Don’t be fooled: the shield and blue armor will not protect you from the zombie apocalypse.

Amidst much controversy, Bunch Games decided to sell the Castle of franchise to SETA U.S.A., an up-and-coming Japanese development company that had a lot of money and wished to bank on the success of Castle of Deceit.

While Castle of Dragon takes place in the same walk-to-the-right universe as Castle of Deceit, much has changed. Players can now

• Discern their character from their surroundings
• Potentially enjoy themselves

In addition to having some of the finest music to ever be stolen from the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles video game, Castle of Dragon also has some of the smoothest game-play to be found outside of the dual knobs of the Etch-a-Sketch.

Making rectangles all day long.

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Finally, a game that allows us to indulge our most primal of urges via the ‘Mate Toss’!

If you’ve ever watched the Olympics and thought to yourself, “I wish they would lose the façade and return the games to what the originally were – man’s domination over nature and women!” then Caveman Games might be the game for you.

Caveman Games destroys the pretense of modern Olympic and competitive sports through its six events – ‘saber race’, ‘mate toss’, ‘clubbing’, ‘fire start’, ‘dino race’, and ‘dino-vault’ – all of which manage to involve tossing your spouse.

Each game has a different style of controls depending on the style of the event. These controls might involve rapidly alternating between pressing the ‘A’ and ‘B’ buttons, or rotating around the directional pad and pressing the ‘A’ button in order to determine the angle of your spouse’s trajectory.

With its slick graphics and overall message of good family values, Caveman Games is a must-have for any serious paperweight collector.

I play this game every Sunday before the big game, during which I tell my wife to make herself useful and get me a sandwich.

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Developer Bunch Games are celebrating a return to doing what they do best. But before they begin drinking the froth collected on stagnant rain water they’ve released an NES title.

Finally a title that can push the Nintendo Entertainment Cabinet to its utmost limits. Featuring 3D rendering, lush environments, and a chesty Lara Croft, Castle of Decrypt is ushering in a new era of gaming.

Folks will surely be lined up around the block to buy a copy or two of this title along with a set of 3D glasses, a pair of Wii-motes, and some new underpants for the inevitable and uncontrollable diarrhea unleashed upon loading the game for the first time.

Some might argue that the game is actually a poorly done platformer, but they are misunderstanding what developers at Birch Audio were attempting.

This movie isn’t about being a good game. It’s about the experience of having a full set of underpants and being OK with it.

Let the warmth surround you.

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All the excitement of drawing on a cave wall with your own feces now available in 8-bit!

Caveman Ninja is everyone’s favourite video game that combines wanton disregard for history and a refusal to follow the laws of physics. In it, players take control of ‘Super Mario’ as he throws his signature hammer and tries to make his way to the right side of the screen.

Caveman Ninja features some interesting graphics and enemies that should keep players’ attention, especially for those who are interested in rock-vomiting dinosaurs.

The controls are somewhat familiar but also a bit unorthodox. The directional pad moves Super Mario around the levels, but ‘A’ is used to attack while ‘B’ is used to jump.

While that is highly suspicious enough on its own, any concerned parent could see that allowing their twenty-one children to play this game and see dinosaurs co-existing with human beings could cause some spiritual concerns – since dinosaur bones were put on earth by Satan in order to test our faith in Baby Jesus.

Should be burned alongside “The Catcher in the Rye,” “To Kill A Mockingbird,” and anything other than the King James Version of the “Holy Bible”.

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While one person’s trash might be another person’s treasure, there are times when one person’s trash is also another’s person’s trash.

Originally released in 1985, the Garbage Pail Kids were designed to corner the market that was alienated by the success of the Cabbage Patch Kids: everyone knew that females like nonsense stories, babies, and especially the combination of the two, but how could the pockets of males be picked?

Once the Topps Company recognized this potential profit source, investment in hitting with sticks, masculine grunting, and sticking boogers to things took a downturn.

On the up-and-up (and up) was the Garbage Pail Kids, a series of collector cards and stickers accompanied by a stick of gum that served as a ticket to the dentist. The cards depicted Cabbage Patch-like babies in realistic and tasteful situations based on names rooted in “alliteration” and “playing” with “words” in order to create “humour”.

  One word: Delightful! 

The Garbage Pail Kids became so successful that it eventually spawned a lawsuit (“Please stop making your characters look so much like Cabbage Patch Kids.”), a major motion picture and an increased interest in the age-old practice of putting babies in the trash where some would argue they belong.

By the end of the 1980s, the Garbage Pail Kids lost its popularity and its run stopped after its fifteenth series of cards, terminating the only legal resource for pictures of pus-covered children.

One of the most thorough critiques of Reaganomics to appear during the decade.

Finally, the fun and excitement of standing around and wondering what to do with your arms all on one 8-bit cartridge!

Too decrepit from lying around all day and eating cheese-flavoured snacks to actually get up and play a sport? Has this also destroyed your ability to even pretend to be interested in making a digital character run up and down a field?

If the answer is yes, then Captain Tsubasa is the game for you! With Japanese anime-styled art that you’ll probably also enjoy, players are treated to a quasi-menu simulator introduction before being tossed onto the soccer field. While on the soccer field, cut-scenes do most of the work, as players respond to a number of quick-time events in order to dodge opposing players, and quick-time events in order to ‘kick’ or ‘pass’ the ball.

Showing Christianity’s influence in Japan, Captain Tsubasa does not allow players to touch balls with their hands, a favourite pastime for many children. So if players don’t get enough ball-touching in elsewhere, they might want to pass on Captain Tsubasa.

There’s an excellent place down by the river where one can touch a ball all day long for the slim cost of not telling anyone about it.

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