Following centuries of attacks by wild animals, in the 1980s humans discovered how these attacks could be defended against: kill all the animals with your collection of machine guns so that it doesn’t happen again.
Outside of the United States, people tried to understand the psychology of their attacker. How do you prevent a bear from tearing into one’s rear end – made deliciously plump and succulent from years of inactivity?
Some believed this could be achieved by curling up into what is known as the ‘fetal position’. This is done by finding the nearest human with a womb and climbing up into it. Those who are still alive and rocking, however, realized that the answer was to make 
themselves appear larger than the animal.
This look was accomplished through several techniques
- Feathering; and
- Hanging your head upside-down while spraying your hair with hairspray until your hair is more petroleum-byproduct than it ever was before
- Buying a wig that’s shaped like a cabbage (pictured right)
This hairstyle, known as the Big Hair, quickly gained popularity. Because of its non-sexual nature, it was 
adopted as a standard by the military and stage performers, mainly of the Vagina Monologues. (Pictured left: Our nation’s brave performers get ready to ship over sea to protect us from an evil insurgency that we created for a past economic benefit.)
Stylish and effective, I don’t see this approach to hair going out of style anytime soon.
80% more patriotic than your average hair.
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