Don’t be fooled: the shield and blue armor will not protect you from the zombie apocalypse.

Amidst much controversy, Bunch Games decided to sell the Castle of franchise to SETA U.S.A., an up-and-coming Japanese development company that had a lot of money and wished to bank on the success of Castle of Deceit.

While Castle of Dragon takes place in the same walk-to-the-right universe as Castle of Deceit, much has changed. Players can now

• Discern their character from their surroundings
• Potentially enjoy themselves

In addition to having some of the finest music to ever be stolen from the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles video game, Castle of Dragon also has some of the smoothest game-play to be found outside of the dual knobs of the Etch-a-Sketch.

Making rectangles all day long.

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Finally, a game that allows us to indulge our most primal of urges via the ‘Mate Toss’!

If you’ve ever watched the Olympics and thought to yourself, “I wish they would lose the façade and return the games to what the originally were – man’s domination over nature and women!” then Caveman Games might be the game for you.

Caveman Games destroys the pretense of modern Olympic and competitive sports through its six events – ‘saber race’, ‘mate toss’, ‘clubbing’, ‘fire start’, ‘dino race’, and ‘dino-vault’ – all of which manage to involve tossing your spouse.

Each game has a different style of controls depending on the style of the event. These controls might involve rapidly alternating between pressing the ‘A’ and ‘B’ buttons, or rotating around the directional pad and pressing the ‘A’ button in order to determine the angle of your spouse’s trajectory.

With its slick graphics and overall message of good family values, Caveman Games is a must-have for any serious paperweight collector.

I play this game every Sunday before the big game, during which I tell my wife to make herself useful and get me a sandwich.

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Developer Bunch Games are celebrating a return to doing what they do best. But before they begin drinking the froth collected on stagnant rain water they’ve released an NES title.

Finally a title that can push the Nintendo Entertainment Cabinet to its utmost limits. Featuring 3D rendering, lush environments, and a chesty Lara Croft, Castle of Decrypt is ushering in a new era of gaming.

Folks will surely be lined up around the block to buy a copy or two of this title along with a set of 3D glasses, a pair of Wii-motes, and some new underpants for the inevitable and uncontrollable diarrhea unleashed upon loading the game for the first time.

Some might argue that the game is actually a poorly done platformer, but they are misunderstanding what developers at Birch Audio were attempting.

This movie isn’t about being a good game. It’s about the experience of having a full set of underpants and being OK with it.

Let the warmth surround you.

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All the excitement of drawing on a cave wall with your own feces now available in 8-bit!

Caveman Ninja is everyone’s favourite video game that combines wanton disregard for history and a refusal to follow the laws of physics. In it, players take control of ‘Super Mario’ as he throws his signature hammer and tries to make his way to the right side of the screen.

Caveman Ninja features some interesting graphics and enemies that should keep players’ attention, especially for those who are interested in rock-vomiting dinosaurs.

The controls are somewhat familiar but also a bit unorthodox. The directional pad moves Super Mario around the levels, but ‘A’ is used to attack while ‘B’ is used to jump.

While that is highly suspicious enough on its own, any concerned parent could see that allowing their twenty-one children to play this game and see dinosaurs co-existing with human beings could cause some spiritual concerns – since dinosaur bones were put on earth by Satan in order to test our faith in Baby Jesus.

Should be burned alongside “The Catcher in the Rye,” “To Kill A Mockingbird,” and anything other than the King James Version of the “Holy Bible”.

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Finally, the fun and excitement of standing around and wondering what to do with your arms all on one 8-bit cartridge!

Too decrepit from lying around all day and eating cheese-flavoured snacks to actually get up and play a sport? Has this also destroyed your ability to even pretend to be interested in making a digital character run up and down a field?

If the answer is yes, then Captain Tsubasa is the game for you! With Japanese anime-styled art that you’ll probably also enjoy, players are treated to a quasi-menu simulator introduction before being tossed onto the soccer field. While on the soccer field, cut-scenes do most of the work, as players respond to a number of quick-time events in order to dodge opposing players, and quick-time events in order to ‘kick’ or ‘pass’ the ball.

Showing Christianity’s influence in Japan, Captain Tsubasa does not allow players to touch balls with their hands, a favourite pastime for many children. So if players don’t get enough ball-touching in elsewhere, they might want to pass on Captain Tsubasa.

There’s an excellent place down by the river where one can touch a ball all day long for the slim cost of not telling anyone about it.

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Exterminate the menace of the purple cats.

In Captain Silver, players must do whatever they can in order to make it to the right side of the screen. This includes – and is limited to – stabbing purple cats, pink and yellow werewolves, and green orbs.

If players can get past the onslaught of cats falling from trees and bloodthirsty green orbs, they will be rewarded with the opportunity to enter houses and get assistance from the town-folk. This experience foreshadows the end of the game, as the nonsense language that the town-folk speaks will quickly allow players to realize that it’s all a dream.

There is a reward for making it to the right side of the screen and eventually awaking from the nightmare, however, and that is obtaining the knowledge and experience of having set a goal for yourself and seeing it through to completion.

Congratulations, you!

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