The NES Cleaning Kit was created in 1989 as a way of replacing the exhaled oxygen and saliva of gamers with Nintendo profits.

Featuring a tool for cleaning cartridges AND a tool for cleaning the NES itself, it was an incredible bargain at 1500 Kool-Aid points (adjusted for Kool-Aid point inflation).

The kit made it possible to play your copy of P.O.W. without collapsing from an oxygen deficiency – which may or may not be a positive.

It also kept the poorly crafted contacts of an NES well lubricated – all the better to play your unlicensed copy of Bible Adventures with.

All that heavy breathing was downright heathenous.

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Everyone’s favourite Nintendo Entertainment System video game containing the word Bokosuka in its title!

Bokosuka Wars puts players in the heat of the action in 1965-era feudal Japan. Players take control of young Ryo as he attempts to be the most productive farmer for the Emperor and win the heart of the Emperor’s daughter – having been torn from her chest earlier that afternoon.

In order to do this, players can use the standard NES controller: the directional pad moves, the ‘B’ button plants seeds and uses farm equipment, and the ‘A’ button must be tapped repeatedly in order to work up the player’s “will” to “get out of bed” – a highly innovative concept.

The other control option is the NES Zapper light gun, which is used by pointing the barrel into the player’s mouth. Light sobbing triggers the Zapper’s motion sensor, while the splashing of tears activates the lens-based controls.

All in all, Bokosuka Wars is one of the best simulators of the feudal Japan genre to ever be released.

Definitely the best of the genre.

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One of the 1980’s hottest baseball players is now available on your Nintendo Entertainment System console!

Bo Jackson Baseball is one of the most hotly debated releases to appear on any video game console.

When the discussion of whether or not Bo Jackson Baseball is or is not actually a game comes up, I tend to decide with the ‘is’ side of the debate. And I do so for the following reasons: Bo Jackson Baseball includes

• Graphics
• Some system of input (that I haven’t quite figured out yet) that allows players to affect the outcome

In conclusion, I feel that these characteristics are solid to finally put this debate to rest.

Definitely a game.

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Gather ‘round as we witness the mascot of a new millennium.

Six-years after the collapse of communism in the Soviet Union, the first Nintendo Entertainment Systems finally made it to the other side of the Iron Curtain. In an attempt to add insult to injury, the governments of Japan and the United States maintained their embargo on the export of ROM cartridges.

Outraged at this injustice, the Russian government funded the creation of its own video game. The best scientists were given access to Russia’s best resources – a pencil and some graph paper – in order to show that Russia would not tolerate another defeat at the hands of Japan or the United States.

Boogerman was the outcome. A scathing attack on the governments of Japan and the United States, Boogerman moves (directional pad) and leaps (‘A’ button) gracefully yet flicks his ‘boogers’ (‘B’ button) on anything and everything.

While I am personally disgusted at such a crass display, the value of Boogerman’s social and political commentary should not be overlooked. Historians might also take an interesting in Boogerman, as he was also a proposed mascot for the 1980 Summer Olympics, hosted in Moscow.

In these hard times, we must stand by our comrades. Do your part by pledging allegiance to the Russian Federation.

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Do not fear. It’s not what it sounds like – I assure you.

When I came across this game, I had two immediate and conflicting responses. For one, I was wondering if I should ask an adult if it was alright for me to play it. Secondly, I became so hot and bothered that I figured it would be unwise to talk to anyone regardless of the circumstances.

I thought it was going to be an amazing game like Baseball. Needless to say, I was let down in more ways than one.

In Booby Kids, players dig holes and set traps for enemies from a lovely 3/4^th bird’s eye view perspective. The directional pad moves the player around the screen, while the ‘B’ button digs holes. Smart players will press ‘B’ all around themselves, forming a barricade, then directional-pad themselves into the appropriate direction (that is, a hole) until they win the game (that is, turn off their Nintendo Entertainment System).

Despite its shortcomings, this addition to the suicide genre is welcome, as it gives players a reason to untie the noose from the rod in their closet. Awesome! And while I was disappointed, it did keep me from being sent to jail for a second-strike possession of a certain type of illegal pornographic material.

Through the power of Christ, I will beta this addiction. I mean… beat.

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Bringing the noun-simulator to a new level.

In Bloody Warriors: Shan-Go no Gyakushuu, players are immersed into the world of a man who has restless body syndrome as he tries to lead a normal life and make his dwarf mother happy following the death of his father.

The secret is to expand your home to have at least two rooms, successfully plant and harvest your crops, and avoid becoming the town drunk. The stakes are high, though, as days can be lost by being sent to stare at the wall by your mother’s stern but fair hand.

If you need a change of scenery, you can walk around town, speak gibberish at the locals, and gaze longingly into the river, praying for Baby Jesus to come take you away.

Be brave. Be strong. Life is pain, but can you persevere?

No, Mom. You stand in the corner for once. I’m 45-years-old. LET ME LIVE MY LIFE!

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