High octane, side-scrolling, shoot-em up action!

Captain Planet and the Planeteers is based on a cartoon of the same name, which follows the story of Johnny America and his personal jet – aptly named Captain Planet and the Planeteers.

In Captain Planet and the Planeteers, players take control of Johnny and his jet while they try to defeat the invading forces of Esso, Irving, and Exxon-Mobil and effectively bring down the Democratic and Republican parties of the United States by eliminating the source of their funding.

Thematically, Captain Planet and the Planeteers takes a different approach to gaming by focusing on what is known as a psycho analytical inversion. Players are encouraged to throw hatred in the forms of swastika-shaped projectiles at incoming enemies. But because of the simple fact that hate cannot destroy Big Oil, the player will not succeed until she or he can address her or his own inner Big Oil.

…Of course, there is less soul-searching involved if you just turn the console off. Highly recommended.

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Grab your helmets and strap yourself into a large piece of metal ‘cause it’s time for Championship Rally! Ever since the ‘incident’, Championship Rally now requires all of those participating in its rallies to do so safely.

Championship Rally pushes the Nintendo Entertainment System to its limits with its beautifully rendered quasi-3D graphics and its stellar soundtrack. The controls also shine as the developers managed to show players just how smoothly a cinderblock can take turns. The NES soundboard also begs for forgiveness as Championship Rally squeaks and beeps an orchestral MIDI onslaught.

Championship Rally also has an added feature where players can enter their names for future use – a feature that teaches players that learning how to navigate the menu system is 3/4ths  of the fun.

In the end, players will find that Championship Rally is an excellent wall-crash simulator that will prepare them for the sadness of the real world. This experience alone justifies the title’s re-release as a set of memorial Dale Earnhardt plates.

Once you figure out how to get the plates into the NES, you’re in for the ride of your life.

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Ladies and gentlemen: behold the cutting edge of video game-based entertainment.

Game developers Active Enterprises Ltd. took a risk in calling this game Cheetah Men II, since the first game saw a limited release in the form of a single wax-cylinder. The second installation, however, saw a much wider release as it was purchased by Nintendo of America and repackaged for North Americans as Super Mario Bros. 2.

Cheetah Men II follows the story of the Battletoads after they escaped from Witch Mountain. Fans will see many similarities to previous titles as they jump, walk to the right, and – if they decide to walk while attacking – shooting arrows out of their chests.

Cheetah Men II also has familiar controls, as the ‘B’ button jumps, the ‘A’ button attacks, and the ‘power’ button on the Nintendo Entertainment System console allows players to realize that they’re alive and still have time to go do something meaningful.

All the signs of a true classic.

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The first of many Japanese titles to commemorate the United States’ first successful manned-missile explosion.

In Challenger, players are put in the shoes of John S. Washington, one of NASA’s leading scientists. After working for twenty-hours per day for the last five-weeks on the Challenger Missile, Washington wakes up in a cold sweat as he realizes a grievous error: he forgot to correctly assemble the exploding mechanism (a plunger and a fuse). Washington leaps out of bed and hops on the nearest southbound train, thus beginning the game.

Players must try to get from the top of the train to the “inside” of the train in order to comply with safety standards, using their throwing knives in order to fend off rabid birds and angry men who are Communists and want the US government to fail.

Can you make it to the launch-site without enough time to fulfill God’s will, or will you be convicted of treason? Choose quickly, you only have 99 seconds.

The birds are a metaphor.

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Don’t be fooled: the shield and blue armor will not protect you from the zombie apocalypse.

Amidst much controversy, Bunch Games decided to sell the Castle of franchise to SETA U.S.A., an up-and-coming Japanese development company that had a lot of money and wished to bank on the success of Castle of Deceit.

While Castle of Dragon takes place in the same walk-to-the-right universe as Castle of Deceit, much has changed. Players can now

• Discern their character from their surroundings
• Potentially enjoy themselves

In addition to having some of the finest music to ever be stolen from the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles video game, Castle of Dragon also has some of the smoothest game-play to be found outside of the dual knobs of the Etch-a-Sketch.

Making rectangles all day long.

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Finally, a game that allows us to indulge our most primal of urges via the ‘Mate Toss’!

If you’ve ever watched the Olympics and thought to yourself, “I wish they would lose the façade and return the games to what the originally were – man’s domination over nature and women!” then Caveman Games might be the game for you.

Caveman Games destroys the pretense of modern Olympic and competitive sports through its six events – ‘saber race’, ‘mate toss’, ‘clubbing’, ‘fire start’, ‘dino race’, and ‘dino-vault’ – all of which manage to involve tossing your spouse.

Each game has a different style of controls depending on the style of the event. These controls might involve rapidly alternating between pressing the ‘A’ and ‘B’ buttons, or rotating around the directional pad and pressing the ‘A’ button in order to determine the angle of your spouse’s trajectory.

With its slick graphics and overall message of good family values, Caveman Games is a must-have for any serious paperweight collector.

I play this game every Sunday before the big game, during which I tell my wife to make herself useful and get me a sandwich.

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