Developer Bunch Games are celebrating a return to doing what they do best. But before they begin drinking the froth collected on stagnant rain water they’ve released an NES title.

Finally a title that can push the Nintendo Entertainment Cabinet to its utmost limits. Featuring 3D rendering, lush environments, and a chesty Lara Croft, Castle of Decrypt is ushering in a new era of gaming.

Folks will surely be lined up around the block to buy a copy or two of this title along with a set of 3D glasses, a pair of Wii-motes, and some new underpants for the inevitable and uncontrollable diarrhea unleashed upon loading the game for the first time.

Some might argue that the game is actually a poorly done platformer, but they are misunderstanding what developers at Birch Audio were attempting.

This movie isn’t about being a good game. It’s about the experience of having a full set of underpants and being OK with it.

Let the warmth surround you.

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All the excitement of drawing on a cave wall with your own feces now available in 8-bit!

Caveman Ninja is everyone’s favourite video game that combines wanton disregard for history and a refusal to follow the laws of physics. In it, players take control of ‘Super Mario’ as he throws his signature hammer and tries to make his way to the right side of the screen.

Caveman Ninja features some interesting graphics and enemies that should keep players’ attention, especially for those who are interested in rock-vomiting dinosaurs.

The controls are somewhat familiar but also a bit unorthodox. The directional pad moves Super Mario around the levels, but ‘A’ is used to attack while ‘B’ is used to jump.

While that is highly suspicious enough on its own, any concerned parent could see that allowing their twenty-one children to play this game and see dinosaurs co-existing with human beings could cause some spiritual concerns – since dinosaur bones were put on earth by Satan in order to test our faith in Baby Jesus.

Should be burned alongside “The Catcher in the Rye,” “To Kill A Mockingbird,” and anything other than the King James Version of the “Holy Bible”.

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Finally, the fun and excitement of standing around and wondering what to do with your arms all on one 8-bit cartridge!

Too decrepit from lying around all day and eating cheese-flavoured snacks to actually get up and play a sport? Has this also destroyed your ability to even pretend to be interested in making a digital character run up and down a field?

If the answer is yes, then Captain Tsubasa is the game for you! With Japanese anime-styled art that you’ll probably also enjoy, players are treated to a quasi-menu simulator introduction before being tossed onto the soccer field. While on the soccer field, cut-scenes do most of the work, as players respond to a number of quick-time events in order to dodge opposing players, and quick-time events in order to ‘kick’ or ‘pass’ the ball.

Showing Christianity’s influence in Japan, Captain Tsubasa does not allow players to touch balls with their hands, a favourite pastime for many children. So if players don’t get enough ball-touching in elsewhere, they might want to pass on Captain Tsubasa.

There’s an excellent place down by the river where one can touch a ball all day long for the slim cost of not telling anyone about it.

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Exterminate the menace of the purple cats.

In Captain Silver, players must do whatever they can in order to make it to the right side of the screen. This includes – and is limited to – stabbing purple cats, pink and yellow werewolves, and green orbs.

If players can get past the onslaught of cats falling from trees and bloodthirsty green orbs, they will be rewarded with the opportunity to enter houses and get assistance from the town-folk. This experience foreshadows the end of the game, as the nonsense language that the town-folk speaks will quickly allow players to realize that it’s all a dream.

There is a reward for making it to the right side of the screen and eventually awaking from the nightmare, however, and that is obtaining the knowledge and experience of having set a goal for yourself and seeing it through to completion.

Congratulations, you!

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Do you have what it takes to… in the year 199X?

Captain Saver combines the unique gaming experience of going for a Sunday drive on a motorcycle with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles video game. Up until this point, this synthesis was thought to have been impossible due to ‘copyright infringement’, but it appears that Taito Corporation found a way around this ‘law’ thing.

In Captain Saver, players are put into the cowboy boots of American hero Lieutenant Jack F. Reagan. Cruising down the street with a handsome face, sensible footwear, and a haircut to which one could set their watch if she or he desired, Reagan is besieged by a series of questions. These questions include: which level do I want to start on, why aren’t these buttons doing anything, and will it work if I mash my sausage fingers into the controller?

The answer to all of these questions is yes, and as soon as players accept that and pick which building to enter, they will be greeted with an interesting vertically-scrolling platform game that has solid controls and reasonable graphics.

Captain Saver also has the innovative feature of allowing enemies to return after being defeated if the player scrolls past that part of the screen and then returns. This feature should catch on, allowing high scores to become even higher. Let’s just hope that the sequel has a point system in order to realize this potential.

Adequate.

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Are you ready to explore the castel?!

After the success of the frog-suit in Super Mario Bros. 3, Nintendo of America decided to grab the gaming industry by its tadpoles and give the frog-suit a chance to shine on its own in the aptly named Castelian.

Castelian maximizes the Nintendo Entertainment System’s capacity for movement as it covers all four dimensions by allowing players to walk left, walk right, enter doors, and fall into water.

A game of the future, Castelian doesn’t waste time by forcing players to understand the difference between the ‘A’ and ‘B’ buttons. Drawing on the pressure sensitivity capabilities of the NES controller – ‘pressing’ the button or ‘not pressing’ the button – Castelian uses the ‘A’ button for most actions (such as futile attacks and jumping), which are modified by using the directional pad – so if players are interesting in ‘jumping’ and ‘not shooting eggs’, they are encouraged to try ‘walking’ first.

Castelian also features some of the best rendered 3D graphics to ever grace the NES. To get the full experience, the NES needs an extra boost of power, which can be achieved through voiding the warranty any way you please. I recommend daisy-chaining the NES to a microwave.

In the end, Castelian shows how castel exploring should be done.

If I’m a frog, why can’t I swim?

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