Andrea Barber’s portrayal of the lonely Kimmy Gibbler added an emotional depth to Full House not seen on the series since Uncle Theodore’s struggles with substance abuse and his eventual death in the unaired pilot episode “A Trip To The Zoo.”

Gibbler’s life presented an oft-unseen view of the real world – where not everyone lived in a 15,000 square foot townhouse in San Francisco.

As the star of the show, Full House followed Kimmy Gibbler’s hard knock life as she attempted to become a part of the Tanner family despite belonging to a low-income Irish family headed by an abusive mother.

Arriving at the Tanner’s doorstep after a seven mile journey from her home in an abandoned shipping container, Gibbler was frequently met with the unfortunate welcome of groans and grimaces. It was a story as old as time – a person’s struggles against class inequality.

What made the Tanners despise her so much? Was it the potatoes she carried in her pockets as an impromptu snack? Was it her head lice? How do we measure a man? By the content of their character, or the lice population of their head?

What ever happened to predictibility?
The milkman, the paperboy, evening TV.
Everywhere you look , everywhere you go (there’s a heart).
There’s a heart
A hand to hold onto.
Everywhere you look , everywhere you go.
There’s a face
Of somebody who needs you.
Eveywhere you look,
When you’re lost out there and you’re all alone,
A light is waiting to carry you home,
Everywhere you look.
Everywhere you look.

The touching lyrics of Full House’s opening theme – originally set to a montage of Kimmy Gibbler roaming the streets of San Francisco looking in lit up homes at the families inside.

Sorry Kimmy, this house is full.

Behold, the anchor for ABC’s T.G.I.F. (‘Thank God It’s Friday,’ later changed to ‘Thank Goodness It’s Friday’ in order to appease the American Civil Liberties Union) primetime lineup!

Perfect Strangers is based on a simple idea: What if two people who don’t necessarily know each other very well, and maybe don’t quite get along, lived together in the bustling metropolis of Salt Lake City, Utah?

The first pair of ‘strangers’ were played by Mark Linn-Baker and Louie Anderson. Linn-Baker was to play the Utah native ‘Larry Appleton’ while Anderson was to take on the roll of Appleton’s retarded cousin from Minnesota, ‘Louie Anderson’.

Citing a ‘lack of chemistry’ as the reason, the show’s producer asked Anderson to leave shortly after the casting director said he was hired. Igniting Anderson’s rage, Anderson then stomped his feet, farted, and strutted out of the room, never to be seen again.

Fearing that a complement for Linn-Baker could not be found, the show’s creator Dale McRaven briefly toyed with the idea of calling the show The Perfect Stranger and selling it as a masturbatory technique guide.

When Linn-Baker told McRaven that he was all too familiar with sitting on his hands until they became numb due to a decrease in blood flow, McRaven knew they could achieve the success he desired. This would allow McRaven to make the five, maybe even ten, dollars that he had dreamt of since he was a small boy.

While McRaven and Linn-Baker contemplated poses and marketing, acclaimed actor Bronson Pinchot wandered into the studio to try to win the role of ‘Louie Anderson’. After hearing Pinchot’s reading, McRaven and Linn-Baker scrapped their previous idea, thus allowing Perfect Strangers to once again be a television show instead of a book sold at pornography conventions.

With Pinchot hired, the premise and lineup of Perfect Strangers was solidified. Linn-Baker would still play ‘Larry Appleton’, a straight-shooting, no-nonsense Mormon. Pinchot’s reading of ‘Louie Anderson’ was so unique that his character was changed: Pinchot would now play ‘Balky “Sergei” Bartokomous’, Appleton’s Eastern European cousin, who liked to do such things as ‘talk funny’ and ‘be hairy’.

Showing that McRaven had the Midas touch, Perfect Strangers lasted for an unprecedented 300-seasons. Shortly thereafter McRaven decided to switch to the Gregorian calendar.

Because Perfect Strangers workws to show that Americans and Europeans could get along if they really tried, McRaven, Linn-Baker, and Pinchot were collectively nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. Unfortunately, they lost to ‘cancelling the awards this year due to a lack of nominees’.

Solving world problems through 30-minute installments.

The story of the rise, rise higher, penultimate rise, ultimate rise, and slight decline of the hottest duo in the history of straight, red-blooded, good ole country music.

Formed in 1981 in a London saloon which served only straight Whiskey from a shattered beer bottle stump, Wham! is a duo consisting of George Michael and Andrew “Chuck” Ridgeley.

Popular music until 1981 had consisted mainly of overtly-gay disco music and psychedelic music composed by closet homosexuals (Jim Morrison, Robert Plant). The arrival on the scene of Wham! put an end to any homosexual under/overtones in music and brought about a return of the classic boy meets girl / cowboy and his horse music of the 40s and 50s.

Their first hit “Bad Boys” was a stinging criticism of the feminist ideals held by parents for their male children. The lyrics “bad boys stick together … forever … never sad boys” was indicative of George Michaels feeling that he could only rely on his close male friends for support during their nights spent womanizing together– something his parents could not accept.

Their second hit “Young Guns (Go For It!)” was another expression of the need for ‘boys to be boys.’ The lyrics “see me, single and free. No tears, no fears, what I want to be” show that Andrew was enjoying the single life – having many a heterosexual encounter … with women.

“Wham Rap” continued the trend of establishing a strong masculine presence by stating in falsetto that “wham, bam, I am a man.”

Wham!’s most popular song was perhaps “Wake Me Up Before You Go Go.” The song explored the concept of a cowboy whose horse had rode off – a common concept in classic country. The grizzly blues tone of the song reflected the dark emotions attached to a once loyal horse leaving its owner – perhaps the worst situation for a manly cowboy out on the trail to endure.

Though Wham! continues to this day, George Michael has pursued a solo career, and also maintains a strong media presence.

In 1998 George Michael was propositioned in a restroom by a homosexual police officer and arrested for murdering the entire precinct of officers to show them what happens when they mess with a real man. On the incident he had this to say:

"I got followed into the restroom and then this cop — I didn’t know it was a cop, obviously — he started playing this game, which I think is called, ‘I’ll show you mine, you show me yours, and then when you show me yours, I’m going to nick you!"

And then added:

“So I showed him my gay-bashing club – which is a very real device I carry around for this very occasion. Having bludgeoned him to death while smoking a cigar and making love to a woman, I then rode my stallion to the police station where I resumed the act with each and every man in those homosexual police costumes.”

George Michael and Andrew Ridgeley now reside in San Francisco where they live together to save money on rent and make it easier to share their exploits with the many women they bed.

Tony Danza, born Mrs. Doctor Anthony Salvatore Iadanza Esquire Senior III, is perhaps best known as the star of Who’s The Boss?

He originally made a name for himself in the sitcom Taxi as a goofy Italian. It wasn’t long before he changed his character completely and became the goofy Italian we all remember from Who’s The Boss?.

Danza also dabbled in boxing. His boxing career peaked with a victory over Olive Oil Meatballroni for the Goofy Italian Middle-Weight title.

Along with reprising his role as a special needs newly immigrated Italian, Danza has also hosted his own talk show. The Tony Danza Show was hailed as “the best thing to appear on television since I had projectile diarrhea while looking for the remote under my sofa.” After a lengthy one episode run it was unfortunately cancelled and all involved were sent over Niagara Falls in a barrel full of HIV infected needles.

By the year 2000, Tony had adopted a 30 year old and together they formed a cook book. Titled “Don’t Fill Up On The Meatballs: Tony Danza’s Goofy Italian Cookbook” it was a box office flop. It wasn’t until later that Tony realized a cookbook is best sold on paper rather than in feature film format.

Now-a-days Danza spends his time running his pointer finger up and down his lips making motor boat noises and soiling himself. Some say he’s due for a comeback, others say he should be in a special needs home. Personally I think the answer is somewhere in between.

A reality show about a special needs Tony Danza.

Oh wait, that was Rosie O’Donnell’s show.

Rating:  

The year was 1989. MC Hammer stepped off a plane amongst a crowd of screaming young girls.

He’d stepped onto the plane as Stanley Kirk Burrell, but the transformation was now complete. Donning his trademark parachute pants and shaving the sides of his head, he’d become the man, the myth, the legend – The MC of Hammering.

Hammer would go on to perform his hit song on the Arsenio Hall Show, setting ratings records for the show with an estimated 35 viewers.

We, the unsuspecting public, had no idea we were on the cusp of Please Hammer, Don’t Hurt ‘Em, an album that would take the music industry, turn it on its head, kick it for a field goal, and then deflate it and eat it.

In a matter of months we’d rush out and buy up every single copy of the album. By the end of 1990 the only way to get a copy was to feverishly scratch it from memory into a blank record.

He’d reached the pinnacle of success. The only way to go from there was… up. His follow up album Still Not Touchin’ It went sextuple platinum, mostly thanks to its single “U Can’t Occupy This Space.”

Hammer mixed things up on the next album, offering a smooth jazz sound for 1992’s I AM Touchin’ This… Saxophone. It was a critical sensation with Rolling Stone saying “MC delivers. Never has someone’s complete inability to play a saxophone come off so well.”

MC Hammer went on hiatus after this artistic reinvention. He settled down, had 35 children with 37 different women, and started collecting gold plated steam engines. Those in his extended family, including cousins Tack Hammer and Maul Hammer, began wondering if he wasn’t overextending his wealth.

In 1999 he proved that his wealth could only grow larger with the hit album Haven’t Touched This In A Decade. This would mark the first of several greatest hits albums released by Hammer. Included on the album were the hit songs “U Can’t Touch This,” “U Can’t Touch This [Live],” and “U Can’t Touch This duet ft. Celine Dion.”

The album went platinum 213 times before environmentalists had production of the album ceased as people began using it to wallpaper their homes – a future landfill concern.

Rumors began in 2000 that MC Hammer had exhausted the entire global monetary supply. These rumors began with a photograph in Star magazine of MC Hammer filling his pool with garbage bags full of 100 dollar bills, but they gained more traction when Hammer began attending publicity events while wearing a hat made out of a hollowed out diamond, and covered in more diamonds in a fashion similar to that of Santa Claus’ famous headwear.

Luckily it turned out he only had 98% of it.

MC Hammer hasn’t been seen since 2005. It’s believed that he’s purchased the dark side of the Moon and repurposed it as the yardage for a 100,000 square foot solid gold mansion filled with animals now thought to be extinct.

Will he return to Earth to again share his beautiful music with us? Nobody knows for sure, but we can pray… and look toward the Moon for a sign.

At one time Full House was the hottest show on Television, but not anymore.

Who out there doesn’t want to see a new episode of Full House? I  often wonder what Kimmy Gibbler is up to or what liquor store Uncle Jesse’s kids are robbing. Unfortunately, right when the show was at its peak (with Uncle Jesse on tour with the Beach Boys, and Uncle Joey becoming a famous comedian) it was taken from us. Taken by substance abuse and deceit.

The show’s problems can be traced back to an incident in the early 90s where Joey left the show to pursue a professional wrestling career. Performing as Crush, Joey was a jobber at best, as useless as  a turnbuckle at worst. He rarely spoke while with the WWF and thus never made use of his best asset, his incredible skill for mimicking 60 year old Looney Tune characters.

While he was gone the show went on hiatus and all of the characters were replaced by an African-American policeman, his family, and their zany neighbor Steve Urkel. Family Matters, as the replacements would be called in syndication, would continue on for several years before Full House’s original cast returned.

When they came back to television in 2005 Michelle had cloned herself, Stephanie had become a meth addict, D.J. was a born again Christian, and Jesse had outed himself as a homosexual, causing some awkward tension between he and his wife Becky.

The magic was gone and would never return.

I hope crushing those heads in the WWF was worth it, Uncle Joey.