Mystery, murder, and more sexual innuendo than you could even begin to care to shake a stick at… Friday nights on Fox.

Murder, She Wrote is a twenty-four-hour reality television show that follows the life of the sultry Angela Lansbury (photo on right) – a young executive assistant working in the cutthroat city of Cabot Cove, Maine. Landsbury finds herself knee-deep in all kinds of hilarious as she travels about the city fetching items for her boss, Charlene Stapleton – played by Kirstie Alley and voiced by Sylvester Stallone.

Beginning with its first episode on March 7^th, 1980, one of the recurring gags that kept the show together was the death of a character, which, while often scripted by the producers, was sometimes accidental. The ever-concerned Lansbury would usually spend ten-minutes of the show breaking the fourth-wall, pleading with the director and camera operator to stop filming. It was unorthodox and unprecedented, but audiences ate it up like Lansbury’s famous ‘New England clam chowder’ (wink, wink).

Contrary to popular belief, scripted deaths and safety violations – present in any non-unionized (read: good) workforce – were not where the show got its name. At the end of each episode, Fletcher would sit down at her computer and type reflections about the day into her electronic diary: “I am so tired… All the time. I wish that falling beam spilled my brains over the set… Please kill me. This job is murder,” she wrote.

A-hah! Oh Lansbury, you lovable scamp.

Decades ahead of its time, Murder, She Wrote paved the way for the success of the snuff-reality television that viewers love today. Unfortunately, the show was cancelled after its 28^th season, when Lansbury found a stray pair of shoelaces and hanged herself in her dressing room/storage shed.

The show that helped generations of humans realize their humanity.

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The story of a young idiot-savant named Douglas “Doogie”  “Mad Dog” Howser.

As a child Doogie would often capture mice and transplant their brains with a handful of rusty nails. His parents were quick to notice the gift he had for torturing furry animals and sent him to medical school post haste.

He graduated at age 14 and began his career as a full time physician and part time animal killer. The show’s charm lay in the fact that Doogie saves people all day long before heading home to microwave stray cats and put puppies’ ears into his paper shredder.

By season 4 the writers had exhausted both the illnesses for patients, and also the ways to torture animals. Viewers took notice and began leaving in droves to spend their time more usefully – mostly by eating lead paint chips and smelling their own farts.

A typical episode had Doogie sitting down at his computer before bed and typing up a diary entry about his hidden love for men. We would watch as the green characters came unto the screen – each keystroke representing the heartbeat of the twisted killer.

A timeless classic with a down-home warmth rivaled only by the Andy Griffith Show.

Everyone’s favorite cartoon for girls that isn’t named She-Ra: Princess of Power.

I have to be honest, I never made a habit of watching Jem as a kid. It met the basic criteria of actually being a cartoon, but beyond that it was lacking a lot of what I was into – mainly guns and swords.

Apparently Jem is a singer, and she’s got a band (The Holograms). Everything else is a mystery.

Find out what’s better than Jem HERE!

The Super Mario Bros. Super Show smeared itself right between the ending of Super Mario Bros. and the start of Super Mario Bros. 2.

If you were a kid in the 80s you would’ve watched Mario paint walls for a half hour and considered it solid programming. The first time I heard of this show I thought God had answered my prayers – finally I could see what the Mario brothers are up to on a daily basis. It probably included lots of jumping and eating mushrooms, right?

Click for more Super Mario Bros. Super Show! feat. Sgt. Slaughter

The story of Kevin Arnold as he struggles with life as the older brother of the guy from Boy Meets World.

All is not well in the life of Kevin – he’s trapped in the middle class suburbs and his only friend is a guy many believed to have been Marilyn Manson.

The love of his life, Winnie Cooper, has friend-zoned him for eternity. The voice narrating his life would be best known as a member of the Wet Bandits as he attempted to burglarize Kevin McAllister’s house in Home Alone.

The show is an incredibly depressing look at failure on every level.

Avoid at all costs, unless you enjoy sadness.

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A family create a robotic 12 year old and struggle to keep it a secret that’s she a robot!

I believe the show was originally created with Keanu Reeves in mind, but after a pilot was filmed with him they realized there’s no way to hide the fact that he’s a robot.

Instead, little Vicki is our robot.

There’s just something inherently creepy about a man hiding a 12 year old girl from society. And it doesn’t help that there are thousands of fan sites for Vicki in her 12 year old robot form all across the internet.

Actually I’m going to cut this one short, this show is just wrong on every level.

Filthy

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