Born John Wisniski, Jr, Greg “The Hammer” Valentine decided to give up his slave-name in exchange for a name that best represented his desire to get his hands on some wood – and his lifelong dream of becoming a carpenter.

Thus John Carpenter was born, and Wisniski wrestled under this name in the Idaho County Fair Wrestling Circuits. It was on this circuit in the late 1970s that Wisniski met Vince McMahon, who had been kidnapped by poachers and put on display as a “gorilla in a suit.” McMahon stood especially close to Wisniski while using the urinals that day, and as their urine streams crossed paths, the most solid of friendships was forged.

McMahon eventually invited Wisniski to bring his character of John Carpenter to the WWF, and in 1984 John “John Carpenter” Wisniski, Jr. made his debut. Wisniski handled his opponents like he handled his lumber, with an unmatched expediency and tenderness.

In 1987, Wisniski challenged Bret “the Hitman” Hart to what became the greatest spectacle 1987 had ever seen. As a part of that year’s Summerslam, the two engaged in “The All-American Grease-Off.” While it was a close competition, Bret Hart was declared victor once he pointed out that not only did he have a greasy chest but also greasy hair. With a heavy, greasy heart, Wisniski decided that it was time to end his wrestling career.

Before retiring, Wisniski went on to win the Intercontinental Championship (by defeating Tito Santana) and the Tag-Team Championship, which he shared with Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake, in addition to a lovely two-storey home, two adopted children, and a dog kennel.

Everyone’s favourite wrestler named John Carpenter.

The Mountie, or Jacques Rougeau Jr., is perhaps best known as “The only person to pin Hulk Hogan in the WCW”, though he has other accolades to his name.

In the late 80s there was a man blazing a trail in the WWF. A top billed superstar who would headline pay-per-view events for years to come. That man’s name was “Macho Man” Randy Savage.

The Mountie, unfortunately, is not Randy Savage, and thus found himself a part of The Rougeau Brothers during the late 80s. As the 90s approached, the Mountie found himself a one man tag-team when his brother Ray (one half of the Rougeau Brothers) retired from the WWF to pursue his lifelong dream of not dying from prescription drug abuse.

Now all alone, the Mountie turned to his instincts and created a character based on a “Canadian Mountie” The role was a stretch for him, but eventually he settled into it.

Over the next 15 years he would wrestle in some of the largest county fairs in Iowa state history – challenging the pride of American fans by claiming that his native Canada was the superior nation. Known as “The Ultimate Heel,” Mountie would light the American flag on fire before draping the charred remains around his fallen opponent.

In 2002 he decided to turn babyface and gain the support of American fans. In a Kansas City, Missouri gymnasium he showed his newfound hatred for Canada by entering the gym wearing a beaver pelt hat, defecating on a bound Celine Dion, all while singing the American national anthem.

Unfortunately what he thought was a wrestling event was actually a children’s recital.

The Mountie was shamed into retirement and has vowed to never wrestle again.

“The look on those children’s faces… I’ll never drop a deuce on Celine Dion again.”

Hailing from the muddy banks of the Uganda, James Harris got his start in the United States by actually being born into an upper-class family in Connecticut. After attending Harvard Law, Harris decided that he would rather earn a degree from the school of hard-knocks, so he moved to Florida to pick fruit, then to Michigan to be a part of the booming automobile industry.

It was in Michigan that Harris met his future trainer Houston “Bobo Brazil” Harris. The two lovers departed the harsh atmosphere of Michigan for the more open-minded state of Arkansas, where the two could train and pick fruit together unimpeded.

Harris made his rounds in the various hobo wrestling circuits that Arkansas had to offer, wrestling under the names of “Sugar Bear”, “Ugly Bear”, and “Big” Jim Harris. Harris got his big break, however, when Vince MacMahon invited him to join the WWF in 1984, where he would become popular as the Ugandan head-hunter “Kamala”, but he continued to wrestle as “Sugar Bear”, “Ugly Bear”, and he often reprised his role as “Miss Elizabeth”.

Harris had several runs in the WWF, but he gained notoriety in 1986 during a photo shoot for the magazine Sports Review. In an attempt to construct a feud between Harris and Hulk Hogan, MacMahon wanted the magazine to feature Hogan’s head on Harris’ head-hunting spear.

Due to an error in communication, this is exactly what happened. Hogan’s head managed to be reattached to his body, but with his brain having gone 3-hours without oxygen, his mental capacities were greatly reduced. Harris was picked up by police outside the photo shoot and he was eventually sentenced to death by an Arkansas jury for inappropriately touching a white man. There have been many appeals by Harris and his lawyers for the case to be re-opened, as Harris has claimed that “Hogan was retarded long before I got here”.

Despite this evidence, to this day Harris awaits his punishment on death row.

Harris never won a title during his stay in the WWF, but he does have the recognition of having been sat on twice by André the Giant – a truly heroic action.

Congratulations.

Richard Rood started his wrestling career on the railcar circuit in the early 1960s, where he went by his cart-name Johnny “Rimjob” Johnson. He wrestled at switchyards across the continental United States until 1986 when he was discovered at a gas station urinal by Vince MacMahon. MacMahon invited Rood to join MacMahon’s Basement Wrestling Association (MBWA). After a brief conversation with a rag covered in chloroform, Rood accepted and became known as Dick “Sloppy Firsts” Ruüd.

In 1987 MacMahon invited Rood to join the World Wrestling Federation. A combination of Stockholm Syndrome and Rood’s desire to ‘go legit’ allowed for him to become a household name and make his mark on the wrestling zeitgeist as “Ravishing” Rick Rude.

Playing on wrestling fans’ appreciation for alliteration, Rood quickly became a fan favourite. Young boys everywhere loved how slowly Rood would remove his rob upon entering the ring, and they all longed to be the randomly selected woman from the crowd who Rood would kiss after his victory.

Due in part to Rood’s astounding ability to be able to put his hands on his head and suggestively move his hips, Rood became the WWF Intercontinental Champion on April 2^nd, 1987. He lost this title six months later to the Ultimate Warrior in a poorly-thought-out game of dice.

Tragically, Rood died in a plane crash on the way to an event in Minnesota. The plane crashed in Iowa. Also on board were Kurt “Mr. Perfect” Hennig, Big John Studd, Bam Bam Bigelow, The British Bulldog, Ritchie Valens, the Big Bopper, and Buddy Holly.

Always ravishing and never rude, Rood will be greatly missed until someone else dies. Despite the misnomer of his ring-name, he will always be #1 in fans’ hearts.

#1 in this fan’s pants.

Edward Leslie’s wrestling career had the most modest of beginnings. In the early 70s he took his “bumps” by sweeping floors at a local hair salon using a 50lb maul hammer. With each push of this enormous “broom’” he grew closer and closer to his dream of wrestling under the bright lights of the local gymnasium.

Finally, eight years of back breaking sweeping later, his dream became a reality. Hulk Hogan, wrestling under the alias Hulk Homo at the time, needed an equally homosexual counterpart to complete his tag-team. Ed Leslie was the ideal choice – Leslie “The Hair Stylist” Chiffon was born.

Together they wrestled the niche gay bar wrestling circuit until Hulk Hogan’s boyfriend Vince McMahon took over his father’s wrestling league.

McMahon hired Hogan as the superstar who would catapult the league into the mainstream, and he hired Leslie as the man who would sweep up Hogan’s frequently lost hair follicles.

It wasn’t the start Leslie expected to have with the WWF, but it wouldn’t be long until he was once again cast into the pink-hued spotlight.

While trimming hedges outside of the Long Island Coliseum, Leslie was called into Vince’s office. After exchanging explicit favors to one another it was decided that Leslie would move up from assistant facilities manager to E-String WWF undercard.

Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake, hedge trimmers in hand, would dominate the mixed-sex and midget wrestling circuit in front of audiences as large as some of the most successful Twisted Sister cover bands.

Eventually his career reached its pinnacle when he was listed as “Hulk Hogan’s best friend” in an article about Hulk Hogan’s son killing another man in a car collision.

The only way to go from there was retirement.

Vote YES on Prop 9.

Million Dollar Men need bodyguards, and Virgils need jobs. It was a match made in heaven.

Born Mike Jones, in Nashville, Tennessee, Mike Jones decided to join the Million Dollar Church of Latter Day Ted Debiases and thus changed his name to reflect his born-again status. He vowed to give his life in the name of Ted Dibiase, and so they became an inseparable duo from that day forth.

We’ve already spoken of Mr. Dibiase, but it was not Dibiase alone that facilitated the Million Dollar Corporation becoming the largest business on Earth. He needed a Virgil, and Virgil happened to be a Virgil, so they Virgilled until they couldn’t Virgil no more.

And what came out of all of this Virgilling was a relationship for the ages. Virgil would stand, arms folded, behind Dibiase, and Dibiase would act as though Virgil were his slave. It was the type of endearing relationship we all dream of having with our bodyguards.

Unfortunately Ted Dibiase has turned to Christ, and Christ is many things, but not a Virgil. So Virgil was left to his own devices. Without a strong man to follow he has gone down the path of evil – now a school teacher in Pennsylvania.

Like a lost dog he’s wandering around the streets of PA searching for a Ted Dibiase that will never come.

Virgil, if you’re out there – keep your head up. There may not be another Million Dollar Man, but I know a place where you can find a $50 one.

As long as he doesn’t have to be clean.