Ah geez – three days and no update. Unfortunately a whopping one-half of the Roarin80s staff have seen their Commodore 64s fail, and are now unable to post.

Have no fear though. I’ve been handed the football and there’s no doubt in my mind about my ability to slam dunk it for a hole-in-one birdie.

And now, to reward you for having to look at MC Hammer’s history for the past three days… Hulk Hogan attempts to train Mean Gene Okerlund.

It all starts off with an enraged Hulk Hogan standing in what appears to actually be Mean Gene’s kitchen. This was back in the old days when wrasslin’ was real. Our Hulksters were hulking and our Mean Gene’s kitchens were Mean Gene’s kitchens.

It’s 5 o’clock in the morning and Gene’s started his morning ritual already. You know, dressing in a Hulkamania t-shirt and wristbands and having a cigar. Nothing strange so far…

Hogan’s having none of this “cigars, eggs and toast for breakfast” business and instead he’s offered to make breakfast for Gene himself. Unfortunately Gene’s fridge didn’t contain oral steroids and HGH injections like the Hulkster’s, so he had to settle for making him raw eggs.

If a screenshot of Hulk Hogan and Mean Gene Okerlund  toasting raw eggs has been waiting unchecked on your scavenger hunt list, it’s time to check that bad boy off. You’re the lucky winner.

Hulk Hogan fills us in on the special recipe for in-shape Mean Genes, and it includes raw eggs every 2 hours. Is it really a good idea to teach kids that ingesting raw animal products will lead to a healthy lifestyle? Yes. It is.

What time is it? Oh yes, time to run through a crowded park in full Hulkamania regalia. There’s a smattering of applause and cheers as they run through the park, but the general consensus seems to be quiet thoughts of “What charity are these homosexuals running in support of?” That Hulk keeps calling Mean Gene “Daddy” probably doesn’t help their image.

As you know, you can only run so far before your clothes miraculously change. In this case Hogan is dressed as Rip from No Holds Barred and Mean Gene is dressed as the most flamboyant man at a a Gay Pride parade.

Regardless of their lifestyle choices, they’ve certainly ran a lot.

Finally the running is over. It’s time to the hit the weights, and hit them HARD. Mean Gene throws up 5lbs like it’s 4.5lbs. He’s pressing tens of pounds over his head without breaking more than an above average sweat.

The running ain’t really over though, cuz MEAN GENE – O – MANIA is running wild all over the god damn place. This guy is a machine. A killing machine. A love machine. A slot machine and a microwave oven. He’s the total package.

Hogan lifts some weights too. He’s strong I guess, but he’s not Mean Gene strong.

To the left is Hogan trying to lift a can of beans.

It’s sad really. Gene is au naturale and built like a brick out house filled with lead and gun powder, and Hogan’s on more steroids than a factory farm full of 3500lb cattle and he can barely fart without pulling a hamstring.

We’ll continue our look at this epic training film in the future, but for now: a comparison of Hogan and Mean Gene.

Buckle your tray tables and return your seat belts to their upright positions – you’re in for a real hum-dinger here, folks.

You’ve already learned from Hogan how to mix a literal cocktail of drugs with a handful of vitamins; now it’s time to work it out of your system before your liver shuts down.

Our young Hulkamaniac and star of the ad is asking his wall of posters how to get muscles like them. The obvious answer is vitamins and saying prayers (perhaps saying them very loudly, while lifting heavy objects and taking steroids).

But wait! There’s another way!

And here’s Mr. Wonderful, breaking his way into a pre-teen boy’s bedroom, to let us know what that way is!

This whole thing is a little weird for a few reasons

• Mr. Wonderful is not Hulk Hogan, and thus has no attachment to this product.
• Mr. Wonderful rips through a poster of himself – nobody had a Mr. Wonderful poster.
• He walks in and poses, and obviously has nothing in his hands. He then takes two steps into the room, reaches down and the Hulkamania Workout Set appears.

I’ve seen wrestlers hide razors and small weapons in their trunks, but never an entire workout set. Either Mr. Wonderful has a hollow pelvis, or someone had to hand this to him.

Of course, step one of getting in shape is to dress up like a professional wrestler. As an owner of the Hulkamania Workout Set, I can tell you with utmost certainty that no t-shirt is included. You’ll have to make your own using a jar of mustard and one pantleg of your mom’s red track suit.

Once that’s done put on your headband and wristbands. Exhausted yet?

Now use the enclosed 5 foot piece of rope to practice jumping. This part will be invaluable to you when you give up on getting muscles and become a backup dancer for Paula Abdul.

Once you’ve finished jumping rope for no less than 32 hours straight it’s time to sleep. But before you do, try to crush this contraption.

If you can squeeze it then you’ve successfully used the crushing power of a rabbit’s paw. If you find yourself unable to crush it, try using two hands and failing that get your boyfriend to crush it for you.

Time to pump some iron – or concrete enclosed in plastic in this case. Work those triceps, biceps, triceratopses, and brontosauruses.

Push your body to the limit, then push it some more. Then listen to Salt-n-Pepa sing Push It. Then buy the boxed set of Pushing Daisies. Then the hit film Pushing Tin. Once you’re done all that pushing it’s time to reassess your music, film, and television collections – you’ve got some real crappy stuff in there.

By now you should pretty much be the most powerful man/woman/child on Earth. If not then I don’t know what to tell you – you must’ve only jumped rope for 31 consecutive hours and skipped one. Shameful.

All in all this is probably my favorite ad featuring Mr. Wonderful advertising Hulk Hogan’s product for him.

The Million Dollar Man bought his way into our hearts throughout the 80s and 90s. Together with his bodyguard Virgil he made waves across the WWF by buying titles, forming corporations, and even creating his own Million Dollar Championship.

Before being the Million Dollar Man, Dibiase was merely the thousand dollar man, working various local wrestling circuits before signing up with the WWF.

Once he entered the WWF he was given his million dollars and as many gold sequined suits as he could have Virgil carry.

Seeing as “everybody [had] a price,” Dibiase was able to buy his way into title shots, late Royal Rumble entry, and at one time he was able to buy the rights to use fellow wrestler Hercules as his slave.

Irwin R. Schyster and Dibiase formed Money Incorporated in the early 90s and tore up the tag-team charts, winning the title three times before IRS had to take leave for tax season.

While IRS was gone, Dibiase formed the Million Dollar Corporation. Unfortunately inflation had devalued a million dollars, so he was forced to recruit King Kong Bundy, Bam Bam Bigelow, Sycho Sid, and Tatanka. Later on he’d add The Underfaker to his stable of 3rd rate heels. And lastly, in Dbiase’s final stroke of genius before turning born-again, he introduced The Ringmaster – or Stone Cold Steve Austin as he’d later be known.

Now-a-days Dibiase can be found at churches across the south preaching the word of God.

Everybody’s gotta pray, for the Million Dollar Man.

Listen up all you Hulkamaniacs out there, it’s time to get your blend on with the Hulkster.

Hulk’s already gone ahead and blended up a storm, so it’s hard to discern what exactly he’s just blended. He refers to it as Hulk’s Powerful Protein Shake, but in the interest of being factually correct I’ll refer to it as Hogan’s Steroid Cocktail from here on out.

You know the Hulkster means business when he shows up in his trademark shirt and headband. This ain’t your grand pappy’s prune juice my friend, it’s what farmers feed to their cattle to make them 30,000lb walking hamburgers.

The most striking thing about watching this whole ordeal is how hilarious Vince McMahon looks in a suit. To think, I was fooled into believing he was just a ring announcer. He looks like a silverback gorilla that’s been chosen as best man at Tarzan’s wedding.

Anywho, Hogan’s gone ahead and poured a few glasses for he and his chums. It’s time to drink. But first! Hogan has to take no less than a dozen of his ‘vitamins’. Or as he calls it The Hulkster’s Powerful Python Pack.

“You throw it down first thing in the morning and you’ll be burpin’ powder all day long.”

So if I take my vitamins a dozen at a time I can burp powder? Gee whiz, why haven’t I done this my entire life!

“Once you get these in your system there’s no stoppin’. You may have to work overtime or train extra long in the gym.”

I can burp up powder AND work overtime? Will it also cause diabetes and athletes’ foot? How much better can it get!

“It’ll change your life, you’ll grow six inches over night but you gotta train, say your prayers, and take your vitamins”

Boy, these pills sure do sound great. Almost too good to be true.

I can’t wait to get up tomorrow and take a handful of vitamins – I’ll be burping and farting powder, working overtime and growing to be 9 feet tall! Finally people will respect me.

All honky, no tonk.

Roy Wayne Ferris, better known to most individuals as the Honky Tonk Man – or perhaps Wayne Ferris, Danny Condrey, or Honky Tonk Wayne for people who spent the 1980s in a coma – made his debut in the WWF in 1986.

Ferris’ schtick was, and still is, his Elvis impersonation, evident in the way he speaks, the jumpsuits he wears, and the pompadour and sideburns that rest above and to the side of his face respectively – a face that reflects the empty soul of a man whose entire career is based on pretending to be someone he is not.

Keeping in line with his role as a southern gentleman, Ferris also used his guitar as a weapon. On one occasion, Ferris accidentally injured Jake “The Snake” Roberts with a guitar-to-the-back during Roberts’ pre-match interview for Wrestlemania III.

Ferris’ holds the WWF record for holding the title of Intercontinental Champion the longest, a run that lasted almost 13-months. He maintained this title by using such maneuvers as getting disqualified on purpose, which does not allow the title-holder to lose the title. Ferris lost this title at the first SummerSlam, in which he was defeated in under a minute by the Ultimate Warrior.

The Honky Tonk Man also holds the relatively unique distinction of being one of six characters available in the Nintendo Entertainment System video game Wrestlemania. It must have been difficult to spread out a 2-bit character to meet the Nintendo’s 8-bits. But for that, I salute you!

Listen up, Brother! Hulk Hogan didn’t just appear out of the blue one day and become a superstar. It took years and years of patience and training and…. Just kidding, he was really tall and on steroids so he pretty much just won every single match he was in, despite being terrible.

So let’s look back and explore Hogan’s path from being a balding muscle-bound wrestler to being a balding muscle-bound ex-wrestler.

The video to the right was Hogan’s first exposure to the big time. He demonstrates his considerable improvisation skills by flubbing every single sentence he utters and then ends the promo with a look very similar to the look of news reporters who have just said the F-word on air.

The match isn’t much better. The entire ordeal is around 1 minute long and includes 59 seconds of Hogan carrying his opponent around on his shoulder.

The other 1 second is taken up by one of the most awkward maneuvers I’ve ever seen. Hogan throws his opponent into the ropes and then hits him in the back with a double-axe handle.

For some reason once Hogan drops the poor bastard off of his shoulder the match has ended and the ring announcer is already in the ring announcing Hogan as the winner. I guess this was a shoulder-carry count out – one of the rarest wrestling endings.

This Twilight Zone ending would serve as the precursor to Hulkamania. It would spawn hundreds of thousands of ripped shirts and many vitamins being taken and prayers being said.

The origin of the shirt-rip. The suede jacket opening.