Standing at a towering 6’2” and weighing a healthy 450lbs, King Kong Bundy set the standard for natural wrestlers to follow.

Introduced to the WWF through Hulk Hogan, just a year later Bundy would set a WrestleMania record by pinning S.D. Jones in an announced 9 seconds. This feat was made all the more incredible by the actual ring clock stating it was 23 seconds – he’d somehow bent time with his enormous figure.

Perhaps it was Bundy’s patented 5-count that threw the record keepers off. A move that took the groundwork Earthquake laid in ‘sitting on an opponent’ to another level. ‘Laying on an opponent past the 3 seconds required to pin them’ was revolutionary and would change the face of the WWF for years to come.

The poster-child for jobbers all across the world.

The Brooklyn Brawler, aka Steve Lombardi, aka Boston Brawler, aka Kim Chee, aka Abe “Knuckleball Schwartz, aka Most Violent Player, aka Kangaroo, aka The Red Knight, aka Doink the Clown, made his debut with the WWF in 1983.

Since the beginning, the Brooklyn Brawler has been what professional wrestling euphemistically refers to as ‘enhancement talent’. The street term is ‘jobber’, which means you lose every single match. Losing every single match didn’t deter ol’ Steve Lombardi. He jobbed, shook hands, kissed babies, kissed hands, shook babies, and hand jobbed his way into the hearts of wrestling fans everywhere.

You may be #6,467 according to official rankings, but you’ll always be #1 according to me.

The Ultimate Warrior, better known to his mother as Jimmy, ran back and forth and grabbed our hearts and shook them as if they were the ropes of the squared-circle.

Beginning his WWF career in 1985, the Ultimate Warrior would rise to the heights of fan favourites Hulk Hogan and Macho Man, and go on to defeat them and take their Intercontinental and World Championship belts, as well as their Miss. Elizabeths.

The Ultimate Warrior is best remembered for his eye-makeup, large hair, armbands that allowed him to be ready for impromptu heroin injection, and his eloquent speeches. After retiring, the Ultimate Warrior continued using this gift with words to promote gay rights and acceptance. When asked about this passion, he responded, “I just want people to feel comfortable with who they are.”

Despite his retirement from the world of wrestling, Warrior (as he is now known, after legally changing his name in 1993), can still be seen dressed as the Ultimate Warrior in Gay Pride parades across the continental United States.

Earthquake, or as some may know him ‘Large fat man who wrestled prior to Yokozuna’, took the WWF by storm in the late 80s.

For years he terrorized the WWF with his ‘Earthquake splash,’ a move so dangerous that to perform it outside of the ring requires a comfortable chair.

It was only after he retired that he was recognized for inventing the sitting position. Incredibly, until then the world had remained standing.

Jumping off the top corner of the steel cage and into our hearts.

I’m not sure what Superfly’s gimmick was exactly, aside from acting (being?) retarded all of the time. But what I do know is that it worked.

If I had to sum Snuka up I’d say he’s a combination of The Ultimate Warrior and someone hopped up on PCP, though the two may not be mutually exclusive.

Not much more to say really, other than I’m surprised he’s still alive.

*Note: Scores are after snorting several kilos of coke – while sober all ratings are 4 points lower
(Unfortunately giving an intelligence rating of –2)

Who’s the boss? You already know the answer.

While choosing an exciting WWF persona be sure not to underestimate “Prison Guard” on your list. The Big Boss Man proved that being a big, fat, minimum-wage worker could translate into squared-circle success.

If you think differently, then he’s got a lonely wrestling convention table that you should visit, pal. And while you’re visiting you should throw him a couple of dollars. And maybe buy a signed photo too.