While one person’s trash might be another person’s treasure, there are times when one person’s trash is also another’s person’s trash.

Originally released in 1985, the Garbage Pail Kids were designed to corner the market that was alienated by the success of the Cabbage Patch Kids: everyone knew that females like nonsense stories, babies, and especially the combination of the two, but how could the pockets of males be picked?

Once the Topps Company recognized this potential profit source, investment in hitting with sticks, masculine grunting, and sticking boogers to things took a downturn.

On the up-and-up (and up) was the Garbage Pail Kids, a series of collector cards and stickers accompanied by a stick of gum that served as a ticket to the dentist. The cards depicted Cabbage Patch-like babies in realistic and tasteful situations based on names rooted in “alliteration” and “playing” with “words” in order to create “humour”.

  One word: Delightful! 

The Garbage Pail Kids became so successful that it eventually spawned a lawsuit (“Please stop making your characters look so much like Cabbage Patch Kids.”), a major motion picture and an increased interest in the age-old practice of putting babies in the trash where some would argue they belong.

By the end of the 1980s, the Garbage Pail Kids lost its popularity and its run stopped after its fifteenth series of cards, terminating the only legal resource for pictures of pus-covered children.

One of the most thorough critiques of Reaganomics to appear during the decade.

Finally, the fun and excitement of standing around and wondering what to do with your arms all on one 8-bit cartridge!

Too decrepit from lying around all day and eating cheese-flavoured snacks to actually get up and play a sport? Has this also destroyed your ability to even pretend to be interested in making a digital character run up and down a field?

If the answer is yes, then Captain Tsubasa is the game for you! With Japanese anime-styled art that you’ll probably also enjoy, players are treated to a quasi-menu simulator introduction before being tossed onto the soccer field. While on the soccer field, cut-scenes do most of the work, as players respond to a number of quick-time events in order to dodge opposing players, and quick-time events in order to ‘kick’ or ‘pass’ the ball.

Showing Christianity’s influence in Japan, Captain Tsubasa does not allow players to touch balls with their hands, a favourite pastime for many children. So if players don’t get enough ball-touching in elsewhere, they might want to pass on Captain Tsubasa.

There’s an excellent place down by the river where one can touch a ball all day long for the slim cost of not telling anyone about it.

Final Score: ¼☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆ 

The Mountie, or Jacques Rougeau Jr., is perhaps best known as “The only person to pin Hulk Hogan in the WCW”, though he has other accolades to his name.

In the late 80s there was a man blazing a trail in the WWF. A top billed superstar who would headline pay-per-view events for years to come. That man’s name was “Macho Man” Randy Savage.

The Mountie, unfortunately, is not Randy Savage, and thus found himself a part of The Rougeau Brothers during the late 80s. As the 90s approached, the Mountie found himself a one man tag-team when his brother Ray (one half of the Rougeau Brothers) retired from the WWF to pursue his lifelong dream of not dying from prescription drug abuse.

Now all alone, the Mountie turned to his instincts and created a character based on a “Canadian Mountie” The role was a stretch for him, but eventually he settled into it.

Over the next 15 years he would wrestle in some of the largest county fairs in Iowa state history – challenging the pride of American fans by claiming that his native Canada was the superior nation. Known as “The Ultimate Heel,” Mountie would light the American flag on fire before draping the charred remains around his fallen opponent.

In 2002 he decided to turn babyface and gain the support of American fans. In a Kansas City, Missouri gymnasium he showed his newfound hatred for Canada by entering the gym wearing a beaver pelt hat, defecating on a bound Celine Dion, all while singing the American national anthem.

Unfortunately what he thought was a wrestling event was actually a children’s recital.

The Mountie was shamed into retirement and has vowed to never wrestle again.

“The look on those children’s faces… I’ll never drop a deuce on Celine Dion again.”

Exterminate the menace of the purple cats.

In Captain Silver, players must do whatever they can in order to make it to the right side of the screen. This includes – and is limited to – stabbing purple cats, pink and yellow werewolves, and green orbs.

If players can get past the onslaught of cats falling from trees and bloodthirsty green orbs, they will be rewarded with the opportunity to enter houses and get assistance from the town-folk. This experience foreshadows the end of the game, as the nonsense language that the town-folk speaks will quickly allow players to realize that it’s all a dream.

There is a reward for making it to the right side of the screen and eventually awaking from the nightmare, however, and that is obtaining the knowledge and experience of having set a goal for yourself and seeing it through to completion.

Congratulations, you!

Final Score: ★☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆ 

Do you have what it takes to… in the year 199X?

Captain Saver combines the unique gaming experience of going for a Sunday drive on a motorcycle with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles video game. Up until this point, this synthesis was thought to have been impossible due to ‘copyright infringement’, but it appears that Taito Corporation found a way around this ‘law’ thing.

In Captain Saver, players are put into the cowboy boots of American hero Lieutenant Jack F. Reagan. Cruising down the street with a handsome face, sensible footwear, and a haircut to which one could set their watch if she or he desired, Reagan is besieged by a series of questions. These questions include: which level do I want to start on, why aren’t these buttons doing anything, and will it work if I mash my sausage fingers into the controller?

The answer to all of these questions is yes, and as soon as players accept that and pick which building to enter, they will be greeted with an interesting vertically-scrolling platform game that has solid controls and reasonable graphics.

Captain Saver also has the innovative feature of allowing enemies to return after being defeated if the player scrolls past that part of the screen and then returns. This feature should catch on, allowing high scores to become even higher. Let’s just hope that the sequel has a point system in order to realize this potential.

Adequate.

Final Score: ★★★★★★★★★☆ 

On January 28, 1986, NASA, America’s largest arms manufacturer, launched the largest incendiary device ever exploded within Earth’s atmosphere.

The missile, named Challenger, was designed to demonstrate that the awesome firepower of the United States had not diminished since they swiftly toppled the Vietnamese (currently annexed by the US and known as "Hawaii").

Challenger had been launched 9 times previous, but it failed to explode and instead settled into an orbit around the Earth; each time gently drifting down out of orbit and onto a runway, failing to cause any damage aside from runway skid marks.

73 seconds into its 10th launch it finally succeeded in exploding, creating an impressive blast of smoke, fiery shards of metal, and American pride.

Challenger marked the first time a missile had been loaded with a mix of humans and explosives as its payload. Seven "astronauts" were aboard Challenger, hoping to give their lives to show that no cause – even a missile test – is too trivial to give your life for your country.

The Soviets, seeing this incredible show of military might, national pride, and wanton disregard for logic, decided to disband their empire before they found themselves "volunteering" to board missiles.

Saint Ronald of Reagan, who had orchestrated the operation, went on to receive the Nobel Peace Prize for his glorious victory in establishing fear in the hearts of non-US citizens.

The Rubber Popper has been known by many names, including the Popper, the Hopper Popper, the East Berlin Traitor Assistant, and the child-friendly Eye Popper.

Simple yet misleading in its design, the Rubber Popper appeared to have all the usefulness of half of a hollowed-out ball. The trick, however, was to use one’s noodly, underdeveloped fingers to flip the Rubber Popper inside-out.

Once it was flipped and set on a (preferably) flat surface, the goal was to run as far away as possible, peek over the back of a piece of protective furniture, and wait for the Rubber Popper to revert to its original state.

This return to form would cause a ‘pop’ sound and launch the Rubber Popper either high into the air or hard into the user’s face, depending on the integrity of the inside-out flip and the quickness of the user’s legs.

Half a ball, yet 1.98-times more fun than the leading whole ball.

Are you ready to explore the castel?!

After the success of the frog-suit in Super Mario Bros. 3, Nintendo of America decided to grab the gaming industry by its tadpoles and give the frog-suit a chance to shine on its own in the aptly named Castelian.

Castelian maximizes the Nintendo Entertainment System’s capacity for movement as it covers all four dimensions by allowing players to walk left, walk right, enter doors, and fall into water.

A game of the future, Castelian doesn’t waste time by forcing players to understand the difference between the ‘A’ and ‘B’ buttons. Drawing on the pressure sensitivity capabilities of the NES controller – ‘pressing’ the button or ‘not pressing’ the button – Castelian uses the ‘A’ button for most actions (such as futile attacks and jumping), which are modified by using the directional pad – so if players are interesting in ‘jumping’ and ‘not shooting eggs’, they are encouraged to try ‘walking’ first.

Castelian also features some of the best rendered 3D graphics to ever grace the NES. To get the full experience, the NES needs an extra boost of power, which can be achieved through voiding the warranty any way you please. I recommend daisy-chaining the NES to a microwave.

In the end, Castelian shows how castel exploring should be done.

If I’m a frog, why can’t I swim?

Final Score: ★¼☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆ 

Before you dedicate your life to creating unlicensed carts on a 25 year old system, it’s important to know the basics.

Get in at the bottom

The quickest way into the lucrative unlicensed cart industry is an exciting career as “English Translator.” You may wonder “Will they still hire me if I am not a native English speaker, and, in fact, have no ability to read or write in any language?” The answer is a resounding TERRIFIC SUPREME!

You’ll be given a box full of English terms cut from magazines. It’s your job to randomly sort them into groups of 2 or 3. Exciting Mascara King? I like your style, new guy!

Get promoted

When your amazing work as translator is recognized (or everyone else in the company is arrested and imprisoned) it’s time to move on to the next level.

You’ll be working with some of the best selling titles released for the NES. Get to work randomly modifying them, so as to make Super Mario Bros. start at World 5, Battle City’s tanks flash randomly, and every game you work on crash at some point. If your skill at deleting and editing code randomly pays off then you’ll be promoted again in no time.

Get promoted… again.

You’ve shown yourself able to randomly sort English terms and randomly edit code, but now you’re being called upon for the mission of a lifetime – putting Sonic The Hedgehog’s sprite in Super Mario Bros. and calling it Super Sonic Bros. 15.

Given a smoke-filled and sweaty basement at an undisclosed location in southeast Asia, a king’s ransom of 3 dollars per week salary, and a 486DX2 computer, can you accomplish the impossible?

This is about more than just taking intellectual property and modifying it for financial gain. It’s about the joy of 23 hour long programming sessions. It’s about the smiling faces of 30 year old Taiwanese men as they start your game for the first time.

I don’t want to live in a world where providing a paid service to make Taiwanese men smile is illegal.

Light up your bong because it’s time to snort some reefer and play some hacky-sack.

California Games brings the nation’s drug users out from their darkened bedrooms and forces them into some of the most dangerous sporting events on this side of the collapsed Roman Coliseum. These events include

• Picking a team
• Entering a name

These events are clearly strenuous activities for even the most recreational of drug users.

The controls in this game change depending on the event. The ‘A’ button selects letters while the directional pad allows players to select which letter they wish to enter. In the gas-huffing competition, players must alternate between pressing the ‘A’ button to inhale and the ‘B’ button to ‘hold it back’.

Huffing my way toward gold. Gold paint, that is.

Final Score: ★★★★★★☆☆☆☆