The Mountie, or Jacques Rougeau Jr., is perhaps best known as “The only person to pin Hulk Hogan in the WCW”, though he has other accolades to his name.

In the late 80s there was a man blazing a trail in the WWF. A top billed superstar who would headline pay-per-view events for years to come. That man’s name was “Macho Man” Randy Savage.

The Mountie, unfortunately, is not Randy Savage, and thus found himself a part of The Rougeau Brothers during the late 80s. As the 90s approached, the Mountie found himself a one man tag-team when his brother Ray (one half of the Rougeau Brothers) retired from the WWF to pursue his lifelong dream of not dying from prescription drug abuse.

Now all alone, the Mountie turned to his instincts and created a character based on a “Canadian Mountie” The role was a stretch for him, but eventually he settled into it.

Over the next 15 years he would wrestle in some of the largest county fairs in Iowa state history – challenging the pride of American fans by claiming that his native Canada was the superior nation. Known as “The Ultimate Heel,” Mountie would light the American flag on fire before draping the charred remains around his fallen opponent.

In 2002 he decided to turn babyface and gain the support of American fans. In a Kansas City, Missouri gymnasium he showed his newfound hatred for Canada by entering the gym wearing a beaver pelt hat, defecating on a bound Celine Dion, all while singing the American national anthem.

Unfortunately what he thought was a wrestling event was actually a children’s recital.

The Mountie was shamed into retirement and has vowed to never wrestle again.

“The look on those children’s faces… I’ll never drop a deuce on Celine Dion again.”

Exterminate the menace of the purple cats.

In Captain Silver, players must do whatever they can in order to make it to the right side of the screen. This includes – and is limited to – stabbing purple cats, pink and yellow werewolves, and green orbs.

If players can get past the onslaught of cats falling from trees and bloodthirsty green orbs, they will be rewarded with the opportunity to enter houses and get assistance from the town-folk. This experience foreshadows the end of the game, as the nonsense language that the town-folk speaks will quickly allow players to realize that it’s all a dream.

There is a reward for making it to the right side of the screen and eventually awaking from the nightmare, however, and that is obtaining the knowledge and experience of having set a goal for yourself and seeing it through to completion.

Congratulations, you!

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Do you have what it takes to… in the year 199X?

Captain Saver combines the unique gaming experience of going for a Sunday drive on a motorcycle with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles video game. Up until this point, this synthesis was thought to have been impossible due to ‘copyright infringement’, but it appears that Taito Corporation found a way around this ‘law’ thing.

In Captain Saver, players are put into the cowboy boots of American hero Lieutenant Jack F. Reagan. Cruising down the street with a handsome face, sensible footwear, and a haircut to which one could set their watch if she or he desired, Reagan is besieged by a series of questions. These questions include: which level do I want to start on, why aren’t these buttons doing anything, and will it work if I mash my sausage fingers into the controller?

The answer to all of these questions is yes, and as soon as players accept that and pick which building to enter, they will be greeted with an interesting vertically-scrolling platform game that has solid controls and reasonable graphics.

Captain Saver also has the innovative feature of allowing enemies to return after being defeated if the player scrolls past that part of the screen and then returns. This feature should catch on, allowing high scores to become even higher. Let’s just hope that the sequel has a point system in order to realize this potential.

Adequate.

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On January 28, 1986, NASA, America’s largest arms manufacturer, launched the largest incendiary device ever exploded within Earth’s atmosphere.

The missile, named Challenger, was designed to demonstrate that the awesome firepower of the United States had not diminished since they swiftly toppled the Vietnamese (currently annexed by the US and known as "Hawaii").

Challenger had been launched 9 times previous, but it failed to explode and instead settled into an orbit around the Earth; each time gently drifting down out of orbit and onto a runway, failing to cause any damage aside from runway skid marks.

73 seconds into its 10th launch it finally succeeded in exploding, creating an impressive blast of smoke, fiery shards of metal, and American pride.

Challenger marked the first time a missile had been loaded with a mix of humans and explosives as its payload. Seven "astronauts" were aboard Challenger, hoping to give their lives to show that no cause – even a missile test – is too trivial to give your life for your country.

The Soviets, seeing this incredible show of military might, national pride, and wanton disregard for logic, decided to disband their empire before they found themselves "volunteering" to board missiles.

Saint Ronald of Reagan, who had orchestrated the operation, went on to receive the Nobel Peace Prize for his glorious victory in establishing fear in the hearts of non-US citizens.

The Rubber Popper has been known by many names, including the Popper, the Hopper Popper, the East Berlin Traitor Assistant, and the child-friendly Eye Popper.

Simple yet misleading in its design, the Rubber Popper appeared to have all the usefulness of half of a hollowed-out ball. The trick, however, was to use one’s noodly, underdeveloped fingers to flip the Rubber Popper inside-out.

Once it was flipped and set on a (preferably) flat surface, the goal was to run as far away as possible, peek over the back of a piece of protective furniture, and wait for the Rubber Popper to revert to its original state.

This return to form would cause a ‘pop’ sound and launch the Rubber Popper either high into the air or hard into the user’s face, depending on the integrity of the inside-out flip and the quickness of the user’s legs.

Half a ball, yet 1.98-times more fun than the leading whole ball.

Are you ready to explore the castel?!

After the success of the frog-suit in Super Mario Bros. 3, Nintendo of America decided to grab the gaming industry by its tadpoles and give the frog-suit a chance to shine on its own in the aptly named Castelian.

Castelian maximizes the Nintendo Entertainment System’s capacity for movement as it covers all four dimensions by allowing players to walk left, walk right, enter doors, and fall into water.

A game of the future, Castelian doesn’t waste time by forcing players to understand the difference between the ‘A’ and ‘B’ buttons. Drawing on the pressure sensitivity capabilities of the NES controller – ‘pressing’ the button or ‘not pressing’ the button – Castelian uses the ‘A’ button for most actions (such as futile attacks and jumping), which are modified by using the directional pad – so if players are interesting in ‘jumping’ and ‘not shooting eggs’, they are encouraged to try ‘walking’ first.

Castelian also features some of the best rendered 3D graphics to ever grace the NES. To get the full experience, the NES needs an extra boost of power, which can be achieved through voiding the warranty any way you please. I recommend daisy-chaining the NES to a microwave.

In the end, Castelian shows how castel exploring should be done.

If I’m a frog, why can’t I swim?

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