After surviving the Holocaust and writing a successful tell-all diary, Lisa Frank decided to branch out into the world of children’s merchandising. Realizing that the sale of children is frowned upon in many parts of the world, she refocused her efforts on selling products that children would like to buy if they had a work ethic and money.

Frank launched her franchise, Lisa Frank in 1979 after a wholesome night of LSD consumption. What came out of the other side of this delicious haze were two counts of assault and some of the brightest coloured animal-themed stickers ever unleashed on the world.

In the 1980s, Lisa Frank became a household name through its production of school supplies – including pencils, notebooks, and binders – that were marketed toward young girls and approximately twenty-percent of young boys.

This marketing campaign to induce children into thinking they wanted brightly coloured objects was so successful that writing in a Lisa Frank notebook with a Lisa Frank pencil – with its eraser rendered useless by decorative rubber, a symbolic representation of the success of capitalism during the decline of Communism and the Cold War – became a fashion statement.

Seizing this newly-found ‘fashion’ idea, Frank decided to test the waters of its comically oversized sweater market. A true visionary, Frank’s endeavour was a success, as can be seen in the ad on the left, in which two young girls and a handsome young boy model Frank’s lively sweaters.

While Frank’s entrepreneurial spirit is a big part of her success, some of her popularity and her company’s longevity can also be chalked up to the delightful cast of characters she created, which appeared on sweaters and stationery across the free world. Some of her most famous characters include:

• Rainbow-coloured unicorn

Thanks, Lisa Frank. Your valuable contribution to our society – which some may mischaracterize as a ‘cash grab’ – and the physical pain of my school years will neither be forgotten nor go unnoticed.

I try to forget, I really do… But… I… just…

Final Score:  

Lethal Weapon stars Mel Gibson and Danny Glover as two unlikely partners in the Los Angeles Police Department Negro Beating Division. Gibson, playing Detective Martin Riggs, joined the squad after stepping down from his position as Grand Wizard in an attempt to lower his racism to a socially acceptable level. Glover, who fans knew and loved as Detective Roger Murtaugh, was just a man trying to make an honest dollar in the time-honoured tradition of divide and conquer.

The film starts with Riggs sitting in his office and sucking on a pistol while wondering how his Southern Baptist parents are going to take the news of his resignation. It’s a touching 45-minute scene where Gibson really lets his  acting chops show.

Riggs is then introduced to Murtaugh, which leads into another 45-minute scene of Riggs sucking on his pistol. Riggs manages to pull himself together once Murtaugh tells him about the case they’ve been assigned to: Murtaugh is aging and depressed and would like to buy a motorcycle, giving him a sense of freedom and allowing the wind to whip through his curly blonde locks.

After 45-minutes of thinking it over with a gun in his mouth, Riggs agrees that this is a worthwhile cause. The two take to the streets for an unprecedented 4.5-hours of dark comedy and drama (known by the portmanteau of coma) that will cause viewers to laugh, cry, and maybe even grow a little.

Lethal Weapon was written and filmed over the course of two weekends in late 1986. It was released to audiences on March 5^th, 1987. Due to complaints about the racial under- and over-tones, the film was re-cut later that night and re-released on March 6^th.

The new release replaced Riggs’ Grand Wizard roots with the thin veil of having been a member of a Special Ops force in the United States Army. This edit also removed Lethal Weapon from being a social commentary on racism in America and launched it into the field of ‘interesting’ by defining the ‘buddy cop’ genre. The length of the film was also cut to a svelte four-hours and twenty-nine-minutes by removing several seconds from each of Riggs’ attempted suicide scenes. Also on the cutting room floor was the final scene where Riggs realized that his problem with ‘others’ was really just a problem within himself. (These scenes are restored to their full length in the Director’s Cut, where fans can  also see Gibson’s improvised scene on the Jew-run Liberal media.)

Years later when Gibson was asked how he felt about the final cut of the film, he had this to say: “In hindsight, I’m happy with the final product. Like any true-blooded American, I didn’t really want my name being associated with such seething racism. I had a fear of being associated with how I acted in my movie, y’know? That wasn’t me at all… I would never judge someone based on skin colour or religion!”

Mel Gibson, a true champion of racial equality.

Final Score:  

A wholesome country singer through the 1970s, Parton was eager to break the shackles of being “respected” and “classy” as the 1980s approached.

Her first step was to approach a plastic surgeon for a complete make over – the idea was to reinvent her entire look. Unfortunately his work was so subtle that the surgery went unnoticed by fans and media alike. To this day it’s still unknown what kind of alterations were made to Dolly.

With Dolly’s first plan a failure she decided to kick her game up a notch by starring in a film with whore in the title. The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas debuted in 1982 at adult theatres across the nation. The film also starred a young up-and-comer named Burt Reynolds, who would later go on to become Tom Selleck – a noted film and television star.

Dolly’s musical roots weren’t forgotten as she pursued her film career. She’d scored a hit with 9 to 5 in the early 80s, and then found a string of hits singing duets with Kenny Rogers. Unfortunately, as the mid and late 80s approached, her career was on a downward trajectory. Many in the industry pointed to the massive assets she’d attained over time as a sign that her career would remain buoyant, but others weren’t so sure.

Unfortunately her career was over – she’d never again get the chance to pretend to work in a whorehouse on film.

Shamed out of Hollywood, she created an alternate version of it, where she would set the rules.

And so Dollywood was born. Now she’s free to pretend to work in a whorehouse for eternity.

Keep chasin’ that honky tonk dream, Dolly.

It had to happen eventually – Roarin80s is now on the internet.

We’re proud of our history as a pen and paper newsletter distributed in the Worcester, Massachusetts area, but it was time to take the next step – or should I say drive - onto the information superhighway.

The entire office has been outfitted with WebTVs and I’m told by the local boy who fixes computers that we now have a "WebPage."

We’ve enlisted the finest Tanzanian diamond miners to help us design the website, and of course, mine for diamonds. Over the course of the next several weeks you can look forward to the "WebPage" becoming less "Broken" (or perhaps more broken, depending on your love of abstract art).

And if our miner Jakaya finds us any loot in this fertile soil, you can expect us to live lives of excess the likes of which hasn’t been seen in a Willennia.

Except for Jakaya, who pays us for the luxury of living in our free and just society.

Are you ready for a trip through time?

After blowing in the cartridge for two and a half hours and finally figuring out which angle my Nintendo Entertainment System had to be resting on in order to play Boku Koku Shuu Kin, I was ready for the experience of my life.

Instead, I got to re-experience my life: it flashed before my eyes as my brain tried to recall the last time it was so drained of energy by a single experience. Boku Koku Shuu Kin is such an intense experience that I had to take a nap after only having viewed the title screen.

As far as I’m concerned, this title ranks up there with making spaghetti in grade 9 Home Economics, picking strawberries for 10-hours, and driving one’s bicycle around town all day as a flabby 13-year-old.

Congratulations, Konami. Your set of commemorative Dale Earnhardt plates is in the mail.

Final Score:  

Over the last two years, a number of artists have risen to and fallen from the top of the pop music charts. But there are three artists from three of the four corners of the world that don’t know the meaning of the word ‘stop’.

Because of their recent success, some critics are wondering if these artists will lose their flavour quickly. It is because of this success and how quickly it has been achieved that I feel confident both in responding to these critics with a resounding No and suggesting that these artists will never slow down.

Johann “Falco” Hölzel has recently skyrocketed to success in the United States with “Rock me Amadeus,” from his album Falco 3. Falco has also been successful in his native Austria, as well as Western Europe, Australia, and Maldives. Falco’s desire to be successful in the United States shows that the U.S. is still the destination for immigrants who want a piece of the American Dream. We’ll take a huddled mass from Falco any day!

Michael Hutchence, vocalist and front-man of the Australian rock band INXS, has been turning out underground hit after underground hit with the band since joining it in 1980. The group’s most recent release – Kick – has led to mainstream success, as the record is loaded with radio-friendly pop singles. The album currently sits at #1 in Australia and #3 in the United States, while it has failed to chart in freedom-hating France and frigid Canada.

Michael Jackson proved that not only was he capable of throwing off the shackles of the Jackson Five but that his past five albums were not flukes with the release of Thriller in 1982. With the recent release of Bad, Jackson’s position within the zeitgeist is solidified with soon-to-be favourites “Dirty Diana,” “Liberian Girl,” and “Man in the Mirror.”

The release of Bad shows that Jackson has found the formula for success: hard work, dedication, and an insatiable desire for the ladies that borders on being troublesome. Keep up the good work, Michael!

With the success of these artists and tracks, it’s safe to say they’ll be sticking around for a long, long time. They can’t stop. They won’t stop.