Before you dedicate your life to creating unlicensed carts on a 25 year old system, it’s important to know the basics.

Get in at the bottom

The quickest way into the lucrative unlicensed cart industry is an exciting career as “English Translator.” You may wonder “Will they still hire me if I am not a native English speaker, and, in fact, have no ability to read or write in any language?” The answer is a resounding TERRIFIC SUPREME!

You’ll be given a box full of English terms cut from magazines. It’s your job to randomly sort them into groups of 2 or 3. Exciting Mascara King? I like your style, new guy!

Get promoted

When your amazing work as translator is recognized (or everyone else in the company is arrested and imprisoned) it’s time to move on to the next level.

You’ll be working with some of the best selling titles released for the NES. Get to work randomly modifying them, so as to make Super Mario Bros. start at World 5, Battle City’s tanks flash randomly, and every game you work on crash at some point. If your skill at deleting and editing code randomly pays off then you’ll be promoted again in no time.

Get promoted… again.

You’ve shown yourself able to randomly sort English terms and randomly edit code, but now you’re being called upon for the mission of a lifetime – putting Sonic The Hedgehog’s sprite in Super Mario Bros. and calling it Super Sonic Bros. 15.

Given a smoke-filled and sweaty basement at an undisclosed location in southeast Asia, a king’s ransom of 3 dollars per week salary, and a 486DX2 computer, can you accomplish the impossible?

This is about more than just taking intellectual property and modifying it for financial gain. It’s about the joy of 23 hour long programming sessions. It’s about the smiling faces of 30 year old Taiwanese men as they start your game for the first time.

I don’t want to live in a world where providing a paid service to make Taiwanese men smile is illegal.

Light up your bong because it’s time to snort some reefer and play some hacky-sack.

California Games brings the nation’s drug users out from their darkened bedrooms and forces them into some of the most dangerous sporting events on this side of the collapsed Roman Coliseum. These events include

• Picking a team
• Entering a name

These events are clearly strenuous activities for even the most recreational of drug users.

The controls in this game change depending on the event. The ‘A’ button selects letters while the directional pad allows players to select which letter they wish to enter. In the gas-huffing competition, players must alternate between pressing the ‘A’ button to inhale and the ‘B’ button to ‘hold it back’.

Huffing my way toward gold. Gold paint, that is.

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As American as baseball, apple pie, and abusing people with less money or a different skin colour.

Cabal manages to do what was once believed to be impossible: reconcile the favourite American pastimes of shooting, throwing grenades, and destroying walls that others have worked so hard to build in order to maintain their social integrity.

This is achieved through some of the most innovative controls to appear on the Nintendo Entertainment System (NES). Designed with the intent to keep players guessing, the controls in Cabal do a number of things. Sometimes the ‘directional pad’ moves the crosshair, sometimes it moves the player. Sometimes the ‘A’ button shoots, other times it might make the player roll or jump.

But like a true American hero, the protagonist of Cabal stands still while he shoots. Anything else would be for Europeans, pussies, and people who don’t have a deep-rooted and collective psychological death wish.

Personally, I’m glad ‘running and shooting’ was removed from the final version because I’m afraid I’d enjoy it and start thinking about it and doing it all the time.

Fun to play while wearing women’s undergarments.

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A piece of work so beautiful that words fail to describe the experience.

Captain Ed is based on a very simple premise: what if sometimes things happen and other times things don’t.

What makes this a unique experience, however, is the green tiling that flashes beautiful shades of red and orange. The weaponry also adds a new edge to the game. At the touch of the ‘A’ or ‘B’ button, players can choose between using

• A gun; and
• A hammer

The real excitement is to be found in how the player is constantly being pushed backwards by forces that she or he has no control over, a valuable lesson for anyone who plans on continuing with life.

Amazing.

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Popular poetic rumour has it that eyes are the windows to the soul. So shouldn’t the eyes also have shutters?

In the 1980s, fashion designed Alain Mikli sought to fuse the usefulness of seeing with the uselessness of decorative window  shutters.

After several prototypes (see top right), Mikli settled on a design in which the lens of the sunglasses would be covered with strips or ‘shutters’ of the same material as the frame. And thus Shutter Shades as we know and love them were born.

While highly impractical as far as ‘being able to see’ is concerned, Shutter Shades do provide two valuable services to the public:

• Pedophiles have become easier to spot
• Pedophile success rates have dropped due to both the inability to see and go for the gold.

Thanks for keeping our children and sexy pre-teens safe, Alain!

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Place your bets! I’m betting that Konami hit another slam dunk homerun with this one!

Released during the great reform of how a menu-simulator ought to be programmed – with proponents of Advanced Dungeons and Dragons: Dragons of Flame and its ‘actual game’ trajectory battling it out with proponents of Advanced Dungeons and Dragons: Pool of Radiance on the Live Action Role Playing fields – Caesar’s Palace takes ‘simulators’ in an entirely new direction.

In Caesar’s Palace – known as Super Mario Bros. in Red China – players get to experience what it is like to walk into a room full of slot machines and what it’s like to stand outside a washroom door and eagerly await one’s turn to expel some urine or eject some feces.

Unlike my feces, though, Caesar’s Palace is an all-around solid experience. It offers an interesting interface that makes use of some sort of arrow ‘cursor’ which really has potential. It also might use the ‘A’ and ‘B’ buttons.

Also lacks corn.

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