Gather ‘round as we witness the mascot of a new millennium.

Six-years after the collapse of communism in the Soviet Union, the first Nintendo Entertainment Systems finally made it to the other side of the Iron Curtain. In an attempt to add insult to injury, the governments of Japan and the United States maintained their embargo on the export of ROM cartridges.

Outraged at this injustice, the Russian government funded the creation of its own video game. The best scientists were given access to Russia’s best resources – a pencil and some graph paper – in order to show that Russia would not tolerate another defeat at the hands of Japan or the United States.

Boogerman was the outcome. A scathing attack on the governments of Japan and the United States, Boogerman moves (directional pad) and leaps (‘A’ button) gracefully yet flicks his ‘boogers’ (‘B’ button) on anything and everything.

While I am personally disgusted at such a crass display, the value of Boogerman’s social and political commentary should not be overlooked. Historians might also take an interesting in Boogerman, as he was also a proposed mascot for the 1980 Summer Olympics, hosted in Moscow.

In these hard times, we must stand by our comrades. Do your part by pledging allegiance to the Russian Federation.

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Do not fear. It’s not what it sounds like – I assure you.

When I came across this game, I had two immediate and conflicting responses. For one, I was wondering if I should ask an adult if it was alright for me to play it. Secondly, I became so hot and bothered that I figured it would be unwise to talk to anyone regardless of the circumstances.

I thought it was going to be an amazing game like Baseball. Needless to say, I was let down in more ways than one.

In Booby Kids, players dig holes and set traps for enemies from a lovely 3/4^th bird’s eye view perspective. The directional pad moves the player around the screen, while the ‘B’ button digs holes. Smart players will press ‘B’ all around themselves, forming a barricade, then directional-pad themselves into the appropriate direction (that is, a hole) until they win the game (that is, turn off their Nintendo Entertainment System).

Despite its shortcomings, this addition to the suicide genre is welcome, as it gives players a reason to untie the noose from the rod in their closet. Awesome! And while I was disappointed, it did keep me from being sent to jail for a second-strike possession of a certain type of illegal pornographic material.

Through the power of Christ, I will beta this addiction. I mean… beat.

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Bringing the noun-simulator to a new level.

In Bloody Warriors: Shan-Go no Gyakushuu, players are immersed into the world of a man who has restless body syndrome as he tries to lead a normal life and make his dwarf mother happy following the death of his father.

The secret is to expand your home to have at least two rooms, successfully plant and harvest your crops, and avoid becoming the town drunk. The stakes are high, though, as days can be lost by being sent to stare at the wall by your mother’s stern but fair hand.

If you need a change of scenery, you can walk around town, speak gibberish at the locals, and gaze longingly into the river, praying for Baby Jesus to come take you away.

Be brave. Be strong. Life is pain, but can you persevere?

No, Mom. You stand in the corner for once. I’m 45-years-old. LET ME LIVE MY LIFE!

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Konami tops themselves once again with the release of Blue Shadow.

Blue Shadow sliced through what video game players thought made a game a game when it was released because it was one of the only video games available at the time – on consoles or in the arcade – that was not a clone of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Shinobi, Ninja Gaiden, or Strip Poker.

Blue Shadow introduces many interesting game play elements, with walking to the right side of the screen in order to complete a level being among the most innovative.

If you like ninjas and 13^th century Irish folklore, do yourself a favour and pick up a copy of Blue Shadow at your local independent retailer.

Doesn’t contain as much mahjong as I would have liked, but there is enough present for even the hardest-cored mahjong fans.

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Following centuries of attacks by wild animals, in the 1980s humans discovered how these attacks could be defended against: kill all the animals with your collection of machine guns so that it doesn’t happen again.

Outside of the United States, people tried to understand the psychology of their attacker. How do you prevent a bear from tearing into one’s rear end – made deliciously plump and succulent from years of inactivity?

Some believed this could be achieved by curling up into what is known as the ‘fetal position’. This is done by finding the nearest human with a womb and climbing up into it. Those who are still alive and rocking, however, realized that the answer was to make themselves appear larger than the animal.

This look was accomplished through several techniques

• Feathering; and
• Hanging your head upside-down while spraying your hair with hairspray until your hair is more petroleum-byproduct than it ever was before
• Buying a wig that’s shaped like a cabbage (pictured right)

This hairstyle, known as the Big Hair, quickly gained popularity. Because of its non-sexual nature, it was adopted as a standard by the military and stage performers, mainly of the Vagina Monologues. (Pictured left: Our nation’s brave performers get ready to ship over sea to protect us from an evil insurgency that we created for a past economic benefit.)

Stylish and effective, I don’t see this approach to hair going out of style anytime soon.

80% more patriotic than your average hair.

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The hottest racing game (Bump) is back with the exciting new ability to “Jump.”

The game places you in the role of Skip Raceigan, the raciest racecar racer in the history of racing other races in a race. Your career has recently been put on hold because of terrible illness you’ve succumb to – known to friends and family as “huffing the fumes straight out of your gas tank.”

But now you’re ripe for a comeback to the racing circuit.

First you’re going to need to remember how to bash into other cars and kill the driver inside. So the game begins with you racing down a local highway. It’s your task to slam into other cars. You’ll receive points for killing other drivers, and bonus points if all occupants of the cars you destroy also die.

It’s as close to the real path to becoming a NASCAR driver as you can get without being the inbred son of a drunkard high school football star and his first cousin Tammy.

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