In the late eighteenth-century, things were looking up for France. The ideals of the Industrial Revolution were firmly entrenched and allowed to flourish because of France’s world renowned Protestant work ethic. People were making money, people were spending money. And with three downs and mere seconds remaining in the fourth quarter, France’s economy grew by an unprecedented 3.4%.

But as all good Christians know, hubris is one of the most damning characteristics of all: as the French peasantry flocked from the countryside to the metropolis to wear the finest Canadian beaver pelt hats, act like the Cathars never lived in their country, and be with their new shepherd – the Almighty 16-hour work-shift in a dangerous factory – the Apocalypse began to unfold in the form of famine. (See right, a young French boy dons his finest evening wear.)

God orchestrated this display of wrath by causing a volcanic eruption in the Laki Craters of Iceland in 1783. This emitted 120-tons of sulfur dioxide into the atmosphere, causing drastic changes in temperature wherever its vengeful haze drifted. This also had an effect on what is known by theologians as ‘El Niño-Southern Oscillation’, which occurs every three to eight-years due to variations in trade winds and atmospheric pressure and sends weather patterns for quite the trip.

After an abundant harvest in 1785, the French were punished for their evil ways with the famine of 1788-1789. Because of their reluctance to adopt the  potato as a staple food like the rest of Europe – calling it “bland… uninteresting [and] in need of some tomato-based paste in order to be edible” – tens of French citizens died as a result of this famine.

The French Monarchy was quick to act, however, as King Louis XVI put a halt on unnecessary spending and emptied the nation’s coffers into an emergency famine relief fund, which was used to import foodstuffs from nearby friends England and Germany. Because of his generosity, Louis XVI would go down in French history as a selfless hero. (In the image to the left, King Louis XVI about to be awarded with the highest honour of France: a swift blade to the neck.)

On January 1^st, 1790, the famine ended, and the history of France would continue as normal for centuries – this includes fostering the ire of an angry and vengeful but loving and caring one true God.

One true God.

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Since man learned to walk on two feet, rather than four hooves, it had been our dream to work out basic math problems and also tell time. With the incredible technological advances of the 1980s, it was now possible to do both – all within one device.

The idea of a calculator combined with a watch was nothing new – even in the days before watches or calculators. In the 1300s the idea of a sundial combined with an abacus had been presented, but was rejected as being witchcraft and all those involved were thrown off a cliff.

In the 1970s the idea came back – with the witch hunts finally subsiding. The first to try out the new device was a young inventor named Farrah Fawcett.  Unfortunately technology had not matched the unbridled ambition of young Farrah, and the device was a failure.

It wouldn’t be until the mid-80s that the device was finally refined into a more manageable size.

It had it all – the time, a basic calculator, even a battery. It was the total package. It was on every child’s wish list.

Eventually schools banned the use of the watches in classrooms for getting in the way of good Christian learning. It’s God’s work putting the proper numbers in our minds, and any answers coming from this heathenous device would surely add up to 666.

Luckily, by the end of the 80s the popularity of the device had waned, and God’s role in the lives of young children was restored.

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Capcom’s got the ultimate game on their hands with this one. It’s the final solution to your gaming woes!

Bionic Commando, or Hitler no Fukkatsu: Top Secret in feudal Japan, is an epic adventure game set in the distant future. In this wild version of the future Hitler is actually regarded as a force of evil, rather the humanitarian he’s seen as today.

As Radd Spencer you’ll find yourself the proud owner of a brand new cyborg arm. It’s capable of extending at a whopping 90 and 180 degrees – that’s twice what a broomstick jammed into the ground is capable of!

Your arm isn’t your only weapon though – nor your only source of pleasure – you’ve also got your trusty gun.

With your gun in hand you’ll find yourself killing hundreds of Nazzs and finally reaching the boss – Adolf H. himself. Will you choose to kill him, or will you look deep into your heart and see that the Third Reich’s a charm?

No matter what you choose, you’ve already learned the most valuable lesson of all.

…and Hitler said “Mein son, when you saw one set of footprints in the sand, it wasn’t me leaving you – It was me carrying you.”

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Best Play Pro Yakyuu makes a valiant return to the Nintendo Entertainment System with its 90th yakyuu release.

After two successful yakyuu releases on the NES, ASCII returned the Best Play Pro Yakyuu series to a more familiar medium: the collectable card game.

Eighty-seven editions of the popular game later, ASCII decided to return to the NES – a move heralded by video game players everywhere. With Best Play Pro Yakyuu ’90, the NES once again had an enjoyable menu simulator-based baseball game.

Yakyuu ’90 sticks to the old formula of keeping yakyuu enjoyable by keeping yakyuu to a minimum.

Slight loss of points because at one point I thought I was going to witness some yakyuu.

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Steeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerike two!

Best Play Pro Yakyuu II is the second release in ASCII Corporation’s ever-popular Yakyuu series. Yakyuu appears to be a game whose origins can be traced back to Japan, where players hit some sort of orb with some sort of stick, then run to various stations until they end up back at the beginning in order to score ‘points’ – a system I haven’t quite figured out yet.

Yakyuu II goes in a different direction as its predecessor, which was a welcome contribution to the menu simulator genre and put ASCII Corporation on the map. While fans of menu simulation will find some menus, which might be enough to satiate their hunger pangs, Yakyuu II comes a bit closer to ‘being a game’ by actually showing teams engage each other.

Players need not worry, though. They can continue enjoying being manager, reading statistics, and changing players’ names without interference, as they don’t actually have to play the game. It’s more of a ‘watch and play’ experience, only with more watch and infinitely less play.

Frankly, that’s how I like my yakyuu, But this title has too much graphical depiction of yakyuu for my tastes.

Stick to menu simulators and fewer feelings will be hurt.

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When someone says to me, “Hey you there in the bushes! What’s your least favourite memory?” I say, “I don’t remember, but you can bet that it has nothing to do with Baseball Stars II!”

Baseball Stars II, as the name would suggest, is the second cartridge of SNK’s two-cartridge baseball installment known as Baseball Stars. Due to the graphics, audio, and in-depth story line that spans several stadiums and dozens of characters, Baseball Stars could not fit on one cartridge.

Because of a communication error between the design and marketing departments at SNK, many fans felt cheated by the sudden ending in Baseball Stars, then felt that the release of Baseball Stars II, during the following year, was just an attempt at a cash-grab.

Had players picked up Baseball Stars II, though, they would have realized it seemed like the same game as Baseball Stars for a good reason. So Baseball Stars II is recommended for players who

• Would like to see the exciting conclusion of the Baseball Stars series
• Are unable to distinguish between two things that are exactly the same

Excellent addition to the ‘star’ genre.

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