Video game newcomers Hector Entertainment Factory do their best to break into the menu simulator genre with Business Wars.

In some year that will never be deciphered because it appears in Roman numerals, Hector released Business Wars in response to the age-old question of what it would be like to stare at the back of a man’s head as he converses with another man.

This question was beautifully answered in the genre of menu simulation. Avoiding the strict use of menus while incorporating some graphics, Business Wars might not be for purists of the genre. But Hector did not make the same mistakes as witnessed in the later Advanced Dungeons and Dragons series, where ‘graphics’ replaced text, making the title more of a ‘game’ than the digital instruction manual that fans loved. (See: Heroes of the Lance.)

In the end, Business Wars, with its use of the directional pad as well as the ‘A’ and presumably ‘B’ button, is a legitimate attempt to undo the seemingly irreparable harm caused to the genre by Advanced Dungeons and Dragons. Hector stepped up the plate and scored a touchdown, showing that it is possible to return to the hay-day of ‘sitting in a car full of notepads’.

Some called it the Saviour. I called it my Lord and Saviour. I called it Jesus Christ, and we embraced.

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Now that we know the origin of the Game Boy, let’s take a look at what makes it tick.

Engineers at Nintendo were faced with a problem – “How can we take the incredible graphics of the Nintendo Entertainment System, remove the color, halve the resolution, and do it all while requiring a mere 4AA batteries/minute?”

The solution was to combine the finest green LCD panel with the most powerful CPU outside of a solar powered scientific calculator.

The Game Boy was capable of displaying a baffling 4 shades of green, varying from “I faintly see some green that’s darker than the green the screen always is” to “that’s a very dark green, right there”

Your controls are fairly standard, with “A”, “B”, “Select” and “Start”. Though some Game Boys shipped with the elusive Nintendo PowerPad, making it possible to unfurl the pad and do some impromptu jogging on the spot.

Coming up: The exciting conclusion – the Top 10 Game Boy releases of 1989.

Let’s take a look at the new face of Hollywood – Anthony Michael Hall.

Born in captivity, Hall took well to his surroundings, eventually being released into the wild. At seven he starred in his first commercial, a Honeycomb cereal ad. By 13 he was already playing Rusty Griswold in the National Lampoons Vacation series – something most kids don’t do until at least 14.

By 15 he had become addicted to huffing the fumes out of his Ferrari’s tailpipe. His time away from the zoo had caught up with him. Without the proper trainers and facility staff he was now on his own. If only there were people who could have taken responsibility for him – people older than him, with some type of genetic connection. Mother Nature is a harsh mistress.

While still suffering from carbon monoxide poisoning he followed up Vacation with Sixteen Candles, The Breakfast Club, and Pretty in Pink. Each film earning progressively more at the box office until finally culminating in an incredible $936. Hall’s contract allowed him to collect the entirety of the ticket revenue, and he quickly invested the money into his idling car.

As the 90s approach Hall has been vocal about his inability to stop lying face down in his garage with several expensive luxury cars running. He’s personally starred in a number of commercials warning children about the misuse of Italian performance automobiles. Unfortunately he’s been blacklisted in Hollywood until he can get his problem straightened away.

Will Hall pick himself up off of his garage floor, turn back the key – and perhaps turn back the clock, to a simpler time? A time when his only comfort wasn’t found in the hum of a finely tuned engine echoing through his purposely small garage?

We can only hope – and look forward to the next film about an awkward teen.

Are you a bad enough dude to Crazy Castle?

Everyone’s favourite Nintendo Entertainment System series Crazy Castle^{[citation needed]} is back and better (and bigger!) than ever as Bugs Bunny is now on board to take the series to the next level.

In The Bugs Bunny Crazy Castle, players control some nameless rabbit as they try to avoid (what appears to be) cats while they struggle to collect any number of things. These things are collected by engaging in the exciting game of walking up and down staircases and going in and out of doorways.

Showing that Acclaim always was and always will be on the cutting edge of video game technology, The Bugs Bunny Crazy Castle features some of the most innovative controls to appear in the Crazy Castle series. Pressing ‘up’ or ‘down’ on the directional pad allows players to move in the direction the rabbit is facing, as well as to go up and down stairs! Pressing left and right allows for players to move left and right!

If players come across a weapon, they can – presumably – use it by pressing the ‘A’ or ‘B’ button, but I didn’t get that far. I also didn’t get far enough to see the appearance by Bugs Bunny. Whatever it is, I can only assume that it’s the final boss.

Best NES game containing the words Bugs, Bunny, Crazy, and Castle.

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One man, one dream, one life of regret that leads to those dreams becoming nightmares.

Burger Time is a snapshot of the life of a butcher and restaurant franchisee Mr Mary.

After training for years in his native Italy, Mr Mary finally saved up enough money to move to the United States where he was able to open his own deli. But after years of living the dream, each slice of the blade into every carcass felt like a slice into his very soul. It is in this psychological dystopia that Burger Time takes place.

This nightmare landscape consists of parts of hamburgers that must be assembled by walking over them and knocking them down on top of each other. Players must also avoid re-animated eggs and sausages, which they can be fended-off with a shake of Mr Mary’s salt and pepper shakers (done by using the ‘A’ and ‘B’ buttons).

Can you survive the nightmare?

Great addition to the hamburger assembly genre.

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Say Anything, released in 1989, marks Russell Crow’s directorial debut. It is an art-house film – marking the first time such a film found success in the mainstream – based loosely on the Stephen King novel Christine. It stars John Mahoney as ‘Jim Court’, Judd Nelson as ‘Young Jim Court’, and Ione Skye as ‘Unnamed Woman’.

Say Anything begins with Jim Court sitting in a bathtub. Contemplating the last forty-years, the camera moves in slowly to show us Court’s slow descent into dementia. This descent is documented through Court’s facial expressions and flashbacks to his youth.

Court’s first flashback takes us to a simpler time when he ran a daycare agency out of his living room for young neighbourhood boys, free-of-charge.

Court’s face finds itself with an intense expression when he thinks back to meeting Unnamed Woman and teaching her how to drive the car that she was given for graduating – at least that is what’s mentioned in passing. Court’s face grimaces with each damaging clutch press and gearshift.

Court manages to keep it together, and minutes later he teaches Unnamed Woman how to do a different style of driving. Unfortunately the lesson is cut short because Court loses a contact lens (symbolizing his youth and dreams) in the back seat and the two seek the illuminating capability of a blanket in order to help them find it. Mahoney recreates this memory powerfully, showing us all what it must look like for an individual to possess only one contact lens by sloppily kissing at the air about him.

The scene ends with Court dashing out of the bathtub once he has a vague recollection of having fingered some dollar bills earlier in the day. Court goes on a desperate search in order to find this stash of money and regain his sanity.

The narrative and Court’s mental state begin to show breaks once Court’s memories begin to include both his current and younger self. In a moment of clarity, Court realizes his alienation as brought about by a capitalist economic system. He has become alienated from himself. And in a heartbreaking twist, he realizes that Unnamed Woman is really his animus – the psychological projection of his feminine side that he had tried to repress since his father called him a ‘Nancy’ in the late 1930s.

The film ends with a broken Court seeking refuge in the prison of his mind, having thrown in the towel and deciding that he is ready to be reunited with all aspects of his Self and accept the cold indifference of the universe.

After a brief fit of yelling and a wrestling match with a shopping cart, that is.

Beautiful.

Revolutionized how individuals approached bathing and washing clothing by showing them the ‘two birds with one stone’ method.

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