Rather than take Teddy Ruxpin to bed with you (which is normal for a teddy bear, I believe), the intention was that he sit on your bedside table, staring at you all night and occasionally telling you a story about his escapades in a foreign land – much like your uncle.

Unlike your uncle, Ruxpin’s stories came from audio cassettes inserted into his back. His mouth and body moved in unison with the cassettes; a technology which was later used to great effect in Milli Vanilli concerts.

Teddy Ruxpin was perfect for filling the void left by an uncaring generation of parents. No longer would they have to “read stories” or “be there.” It was now possible to offload your parental duties to an animatronic teddy bear – a much more capable entity.

If only Teddy Ruxpin could spank children and send them to bed.

Luckily your uncle is there for you when it comes to that.

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Bucky O’Hare is the video game adaptation of the 1982 film Blade Runner.

The game’s title character, Bucky O’Hare, is a replicant with a vendetta against the scientists who created him. None of the memories he has of being a space-travelling rabbit are his own – they’re merely creations, meant to give him a sense of rabbitmanity.

It’s your task to guide Bucky throughout 2019 Los Angeles. Can you determine which thoughts and memories are true and which were implanted? Can you find the scientists responsible?

It’s a thrilling journey as you meet love interests and explore the world through the eyes of a robot rabbit who is coming to grips with the fact that he wasn’t born in a cramped cage with hundreds of other rabbits – as he’d always thought.

In the end we discover that we’re all robotic rabbits at our core, and that love knows no bounds – not even the boundaries keeping robotic rabbits from making love to very real female escorts.

A mediocre side-scrolling platformer.

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The most anticipated game of 1980 to be held-over for a more aesthetically pleasing 1985 release.

Battle City was originally released into the short-lived 45 rpm record world of gaming where it enjoyed much success, selling over zero copies. It was so successful that Namco decided to release an arcade port.

It is the arcade port that the Nintendo Entertainment System version is based on, and it truly captures the spirit and simulates the arcade by asking players to insert coins. Because of this feature, it also gives players the feeling of being eight-years-old once again and not possessing money, being left only to pound on the buttons with the hopes that someone may have inserted a quarter into the slot and forgotten about it – or engaging in some questionable activities behind the arcade with the hopes of procuring a quarter from their hairy, eastern European lover.

Due to the limitations of the NES, coins cannot be inserted. This doesn’t detract from the game, however, as players can bathe in the nostalgia of playing the game. Or not playing the game, as the case may be.

Sergei, come back to me.

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Sunsoft are back again with another surefire classic.

Blaster Master, the spiritual successor to 100-in-1 Contra Function 16, carries on where Contra Function 16 left off – by being a broken version of the game Contra. In this case they’ve replaced the soldier with an armored SUV, and the fun with shame.

As you drive around firing your cannon in one of five distinct directions you’ll quickly realize that the environments are all the same, as are the enemies.

The only excitement in the game is found by driving off the platforms and onto the lower level. Driving on this lower level for more than an instant will result in the explosion of your vehicle and the thrill of knowing you were on the edge, looking death in the eye.

And you didn’t blink.

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Famous renegade developers Waixing Computer Science & Technology Co. Ltd. are back with the sequel to Flightless Eagle.

The game opens with the choice between chicken and egg. Once you choose your character you’ll then be asked if your chicken will be a mage, warrior, or sandwich.

Next you’ll need to create a unique personality for your chicken. Will he shun the status quo and refuse to be eaten, or willingly close the oven door upon himself? The decision is yours – but beware – the decision will affect gameplay when the chicken either begins an adventure or is eaten within the first few minutes of cinematics.

One of the key menu items not found in a typical RPG is the temperature gauge – allowing you to cook yourself if you miss a quest and find yourself stuck. Something that was sorely lacking in the recent preview build of Final Fantasy I.

Inventing, reinventing, and destroying the Cooking RPG genre, all in one fell swoop.

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Can you handle fifty-percent more Bases Loaded than Bases Loaded II?

Bases Loaded 3 is the third title released in the Bases Loaded series, an unorthodox side-quest created to complement the holes left in the storyline of the mahjong titles released for the Nintendo Entertainment System.

While Bases Loaded 3 contains many different game play elements than mahjong, it is actually very similar to most baseball titles, as it possess the following features:

• Causes me to sigh
• Uses the ‘A’ button for everything, including asking the vendor for a hotdog

Bases Loaded 3 breaks away from traditional baseball games by in a number of ways. For one, they decided that there is no finer place for the camera than behind the pitcher’s mound. This makes it difficult to find the ball if it is hit into the outfield, or even infield.

Secondly, Bases Loaded 3 contains a complex rating system. The final goal is to be such a great presser of the ‘A’ button that your opponent is unable to hit the ball and you’re unable to not hit the ball – even when you’re pitching.

Can you play the perfect game, solve the skill-testing quadratic equation, and receive a rating of 100? Can you?

Can you!?

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