Here at Roarin’ 80s Headquarters, we receive a lot of mail from our readers. While most of it is notices of outstanding debt, magazines from Jehovah’s Witnesses and internet service providers we haven’t been involved with since 1998, and cease and desist orders that tell us to stop stealing images, we do our best to respond to every single piece of mail that we receive.

Now some of you may be thinking: “How do you find time to respond to every letter and evangelical magazine while running such a successful website? Do you just use stock templates from your word processor and a rubber stamp?”

The answer is yes. And while it’s hard being this affluent, we make sure to personally tell one of our unpaid interns to press the secret code to make our Commodore 64 and dot matrix printer print a few dozen forms on paper they’ve brought from home.

In this first installation of ‘Reader Mail Responses’, we here at Roarin’ 80s Headquarters would like to share some of our favourite letters that we’ve received since we started this online magazine that is hopelessly dedicated to the exciting word of crocheting.

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From: [a number of readers]

Hi. While I appreciate that you don’t just link directly to my images, I’m relatively certain that most of the images on your website are stolen from mine. Please stop.

Thanks.

Roarin’ Response:

Hello reader and thank you for your interest in Roarin80s.com. We appreciate all of your comments, and we appreciate your appreciation for the tight ship we run.

Sincerely,

Roarin’ 80s Management

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From: Abigail in Queensland, Australia

Dearest Roarin80s,

I really love your website and someday I would like to write for it. But I just have one question – how much does it pay?

Thanks,

Abigail

Roarin’ Response:

Hi Abigail,

Before we started Roarin80s, we all agreed that we would follow a business model unlike any other that’s currently being used by crocheting websites.

This outside-of-the-box approach requires all Roarin80s staff writer(s) to pay in order to maintain their lucrative positions and titles.

If you would like an application, we’ll have one forwarded to you. We look forward to you joining the staff and your $50/month contribution to our coiffeurs.

Sincerely,

Roarin’ 80s Management

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From: Marcus in Saint John, New Brunswick, Canada.

How did you manage to produce over one hundred quality posts in the month of August, 2009? And why have the number of posts per month declined since then? Should we be worrying about the state of the authors’ mental health?

Deeply concerned,

Marcus

Roarin’ Response:

Hi Marcus,

There’s a joke around here at Roarin80s HQ that involves brewing PCP in a bathtub and smoking it out of a gangrenous hole in your foot, or perhaps an old tennis shoe if you can afford it.

The answer to all of your questions, however, is yes. ‘Yes’ is a point which can be found on this easily read and understood chart that shows the function between ‘crippling depression’ and ‘desire to live’. To make this even easier, each line represents the passage of time.

As you can see, the most content will be produced when ‘crippling depression’ and ‘desire to live’ intersect, which occurs when ‘desire to live’ is somewhere between 40% and 62.5%: If this variable becomes too high or too low, readers will notice a marked decline in Roarin’ Output.

Do not fear, though. All of your favourite artists were depressed, and we are working on becoming artists.

Thanks for your letter,

Roarin’ 80s Management

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From: David Duke from Louisiana, USA.

Dear Roarin80s.com,

I’ve been reading your find site since the beginning, and after doing a content analysis, I believe I know of an organization that your writers would be interested in joining.

Keep in touch,

David

Roarin’ Response:

Hello reader, we receive a lot of requests and, due to the high volume, we are unable to take them all into consideration.

Sincerely,

Roarin’ 80s Management

PS. Give us a call.

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From: Watchtower Magazine

Is the Bible still relevant?

Roarin’ Response:

It’s very difficult for anything to maintain its relevance outside of the historical context for which it was created and designed to have meaning. Taking out of this context, it might look downright silly!

But to answer your question: No.

We hope this helps,

Roarin’ 80s Management

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Well that was the ride!

Everyone whose letter was selected for publication will not only receive a waiver but also a “Where’s the Beef?” t-shirt and a VHS copy of the year 1987. We hope you enjoy these hastily put together prize packs. Keep those letters coming!

Rating:  

Developed by a young David Koresh and his many wives, Casino Kid 2 not only took the venerable Casino Kid series to a new level of action-packed gambling – it also funded an incredible standoff against Texas ATF agents.

The breakout child-gambling title of 1992, Casino Kid 2 sheds the “features” of its predecessor in favor of being nearly an empty cartridge.

In contrast to #-in-1 titles whose goal was to cram as much onto a cart as possible (bordering on hoarding), Branch Davidian Development Co. instead set an arbitrary limit on Casino Kid 2 as needing the code to fit on a recipe card folded in half.

The goal was met, and the game was released.

Children the world over rejoiced as hot shot developer David Koresh once again proved he’s got the chops to pull off a multimillion selling title.

He made Super Mario Bros. 3, right?

Rating:  

Seeing that Nintendo was developing a top hat, monocle-wearing monopoly on the video game market, Sega decided to challenge the rogues at Nintendo to a duel.

The Sega Video Game Concern, previously known for its card-based role-playing games, squared off with Nintendo in the 8-bit console war when it released the Sega Mark III in Japan in 1985 – which was then marketed as a way to make space heaters more entertaining than they already were.

Sega did not release this console in North America until 1986, approximately seven months after North Americans spent their paper route money on the Nintendo Entertainment System. In an attempt to avoid confusing the less-intelligent North American population, the name of the console was also changed from Nintando Entertanment Systam to one of two names depending upon which bundle players decided to purchase.

Those players who opted for the cardboard box that contained a paper bag and gold spray paint became proud owners of the Sega Base System.

For those players who didn’t want to go on the trip of their life from which they may never return, the Sega Master System was the likely option. This bundle came with I.O.U. scratched onto a piece of college-ruled paper and promised the purchaser that the console would be sent once it was complete.

This quickly became the more popular bundle, and its name became synonymous with that of the console itself. A mere year and a half later, players were able to trade in their I.O.U. for the Master System, which included

• A console, which departed significantly from the Mark III’s design of looking like a space heater;
• Audio-visual connectors; and
• Styrofoam padding for easy storage

On rare occasions, Sega also sent players ‘controllers’ and the console’s AC adapter power source. With these extra features, players could play the console’s built-in maze game as if it were going out of style.

Unfortunately for Sega, it was never in style. By the time the Master System was released, Nintendo had already cornered the video game market – controlling up to 121% of the market in the parts of the globe that anyone might consider caring about.

The Master System did develop a strong fan-base in Brazil, however. Due to its widespread popularity, Sega has repeatedly delayed canceling the manufacture and sale of the console, with the most recent delay pushing back this date to 2025.

The console was not a total failure, however, as it sold at least one dozen units around the world before seeing its final releases in Japan in 1989 and in North America in 1945.

With the release of the Sega Master System, Sega proved to be Nintendo’s greatest competition – narrowly beating out both the hoop and stick and the timeless activity of staring at a wall.

Chuuka Taisen signals a sure sign that imperialism is still alive and well.

Chuuka Taisen takes the familiar side-scrolling shoot-‘em up genre of game-play and introduces much more sinister techniques, as a red-haired Scotsman makes his way frugally across the screen while shooting balls from his mouth in order to attack stereotypes present in our Chinese comrades’ collective unconscious.

The so-called ‘enemies’ in this game consist of birds with Asian hats, tacos, and bowls of rice.

While part of me is outraged at such an attack, part of me also feels the desire to acknowledge that the destruction of Asian symbols hasn’t felt this good since our comrades in the People’s Liberation Army strutted into Tibet and murdered Tibet’s high-horse.

Solidarity.

Rating:  

Move over, wax-cylinder. Nintendo proves once again why the Nintendo Entertainment System cartridge is the storage medium of the future.

After receiving a new piece of animation software – a Coleco Adam – Konami decided to follow the path that was scorched-earthed by Warner Brothers with The Bugs Bunny Birthday Blowout, and had its ashes stoked by titles such as Chibi Maruko-Chan: Uki Uki Shopping.

The outcome was a series of photos of a man in a green suit sitting at a piano. When one flipped through the photos, it was as if the hand of God came down from above and moved the little man about. This destroyed many myths about whether or not it was possible to play a piano while sitting on a conveyor belt-based seat.

The answer? A resounding “it depends.”

Yes, it really, really does.

Rating:  

Frederick “Marty Jannetty” Jannetty was born and raised in the Rock n’ Roll capital of the USA, Columbus, Georgia. Music had been in his blood for as long as he could remember – a condition which had doctors baffled.

Finally at age 18 he had the music removed through a series of estrogen injections. The injections left Jannetty with long hair and a sensitive chest, but the weight of music had been lifted from his shoulders (replaced by the weight of his sizable mullet).

In 1985 he met longtime partner Shawn Michaels and the two formed The Rainbow Connection II. It was love at first tag and they were soon engaged. Engaged, that is, in a bitter feud with The Hart Foundation.

Shortly thereafter Shawn Michaels discovered, while on Brutus “The Barber" Beefcake’s Barbershop, that Jannetty was actually a male. He took the news hard – kicking Jannetty through a window and establishing himself as “The Heartbreak Kid” – an outward display that his heart had been broken by Jannetty’s lies.

Shawn Michaels career had begun taking off, while Marty Jannetty was relegated to jobber duty in the unending match against depression.

Over the next 20 years he would return to the WWF from time to time, with one of his most successful and longest running characters being “Stephanie McMahon”. His return was met with mixed feelings from Michaels. Jannetty’s presence served as a reminder that Shawn Michaels without Marty Jannetty would always be the Heartbreak Kid.

In 2001 Jannetty married fellow wrestler Triple H. The two have since retired from wrestling to raise their Scottish terrier, Patrick.