After the success of A Boy and His Blob: Trouble on Blobolonia, Konami decided to give the Blob its own plastic cartridge – a breakout release known as Conan.

The story of Conan, while largely rooted in the canon of A Boy and His Blob, is also based on a best-selling novel from which other video games have also drawn their philosophical foundation. But unlike those other games, Conan strays from the controversial activity of turnip-throwing, and dreamland toads are merely choked-out with one’s bare, amorphous, blob-like ‘hands’.

Conan’s controls are also based heavily on the aforementioned novel, as reflected in their flawless logic, consistency, and thorough use of the directional pad. The ‘left’ and ‘right’ segments of the pad allow the player to move the Blob left and right. But, showing how intuitive Konami could be, the ‘up’ and ‘down’ parts of the pad cause the Blob to jump: ‘up’ allows players to jump straight into the air, while ‘down’ allows players to leap into the direction they are facing (ultimately landing in a pool of lava).

The ‘B’ and ‘A’ buttons, while they trigger punching and kicking animations, are ultimately just for show – making Conan not just the premier but also the only title in the jumping-only genre of video games.

Jumping on platforms has never been quite this entertaining.

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If you’ve ever thought of performing an incredibly physical sport within the confines of your basement, Hasbro has just the thing for you.

There’s no greater feeling in the world than scoring a touchdown with the old foam pigskin. The sponge exudes from between your fingers, letting you know that you’re in total control. With every step you take on your parent’s shag carpet you inch ever closer to the space behind the sofa – or the end zone in sports terms.

Your opponents – a dog and your little brother – are no match for you. Suburban life has made them weak, but not you. You were born to dive over a sofa; throwing a foam football against the carpet, proclaiming your magnificence. If only the NFL had scouts in suburban basements, you’d surely be drafted on sight.

Alas, they do not.

Maybe next game.

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As the Jehovah’s Witness religion exits 1989, it seems time to look back at how far they’ve come.

When Satan ascended upon his Earthly throne on October 1, 1914, the future seemed uncertain. Those within the Jehovah’s religion were expecting it – as it had been foretold in an 1897 edition of Crocheting Digest – but the rest of the world was caught off guard. How could humanity possibly fight such an incredible force of evil; then, assuming they were capable of destroying a 3 year old Ronald Reagan, how could they defeat the Devil?

The solution, of course, was that defeating the Devil himself is impossible. Instead a lottery would be held by God; choosing a lucky 144,000 people to travel to heaven. All it required was a life lived in the ways of the Jehovah’s Witness. Key to being a Witness is the ability to walk around knocking on doors. Once you’ve mastered the ability to knock on doors, you move on to the next step of trying to convert those within the residence. The more you convert, the more tickets you get in the draw to get to Heaven.

Unfortunately no one knows when the draw will take place, so many have lived and died by the Witness ideals without even getting a shot at winning the jackpot.

Ultimately, Jehovah’s Witnesses hold the belief that life is a challenge, and that only winners of this challenge go to Heaven. Being alive at the right time may be part of this challenge. The rules aren’t explicitly defined by God himself, but rather by the Watch Tower – a group of the Witnesses’ leaders orbiting around the planet and fighting crime.

Some simple guidelines include:

• Full length dresses are to be worn at all times.
• Saluting flags is prohibited.
• Large foam fingers boasting “#1” may only be worn if it is with regard to Jehovah.
• Military service is prohibited, along with working in the industries supporting military behavior.
• Interaction with non-Jehovah’s Witnesses should be kept to the bare minimum of reminding them daily to join the religion and save their souls.

As 1989 comes to a close anticipation toward the draw to get into Heaven is building. Many Witnesses are standing, ear to the sky, listening for the sound of God’s shuffling balls.

Is 1990 the year? No one knows for sure. The Jehovah’s Witnesses continue to wait, door-knocker in hand, to be brought up to Heaven.

The only thing for certain is that the end times are surely upon us. The signs are out there. You just have to be ready to Witness them. And to knock on doors.

Sofel reaches deep into the collective unconscious for this one, as they combine humanity’s two greatest loves and products (children and casinos) – up until this point, it was believe that nary the two shall meet.

World-renowned for their ability to ask hard-hitting questions with their video games, Sofel further cemented this view with the release of Casino Kid, which placed a kid in a casino.

In Casino Kid, players walk around a lush casino environment while receiving cryptic messages that let players know that the Casino Kid isn’t quite old enough to understand ‘rules’ or ‘language’ or ‘No one under the age of 19 or 21 – depending upon which country one is in – is allowed into the casino’.

Because Casino Kid is based in reality, players can’t play any games. They can walk around the casino and talk to its patrons. Consequently, there isn’t much of a game here. It’s just reality, served cold and hard, much like my third wife.

Sofel hits another touchdown with this one, while teaching respect for one’s elders and upholding relevant social values.

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Living a life of solitude, Mr Mary becomes concerned after some sort of airplane or helicopter crashes into his cabin.

Awoken from his slumber, Mr Mary goes into a rage, running through the forest in order to punch every bird and coyote he sees in its smug face. This act of extreme violence is undertaken while doing one of the most Christian things (collecting sacks of money), which creates an interesting contrast that should keep gamers coming back for more.

The controls in Cliffhanger are relatively simple and easy to grasp. The directional pad allows players to move back and forth. The ‘B’ button unleashes Mr Mary’s fury in the form of kicks and punches; and the ‘A’ button shows off Mr Mary’s calf and thigh strength, as it allows him to do a 15-foot vertical leap from a standstill.

The goal of Cliffhanger is to get all the sacks of money and set them on fire in order to bring about the New World Order and end the Liberal, Homosexual, and Jewish Triumvirate’s conspiracy to control the media. Remember: it’s not a conspiracy if it’s true.

But since it’s not true, there is nothing to worry about.

OR IS THERE? (No.)

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Barry Horowitz, also known as Barry Hart, Jack Hart, The Red Knight, and Major Yates, is not so much a living and breathing human being as he is a metaphor for life.

Horowitz began his wrestling career at the School of Hard Knocks, otherwise known as Florida State University, where he also studied sports nutrition and majored in the controversial field of How to Lose Every Single Match.

After sending his university transcripts to Vince MacMahon with the hopes of getting a training job or perhaps an accounting position in the Worldwide Wrestling Federation, MacMahon hired Horowitz as a full-time wrestler. Known as ‘enhancement talent’, Horowitz was charged with making other wrestlers look better by using his burning passion of ‘not wanting to be a wrestler really’.

Horowitz debuted in the WWF in 1987. Two years later, Horowitz was sidelined due to a neck injury. Horowitz floated around various wrestling circuits after that injury before returning to the WWF in 1995. Upon his return, his contract stipulated that he would be allowed to win two matches, bringing his record up to -15 wins and 319 losses.

In 1997, Horowitz’s photograph was included in the Oxford English Dictionary next to the entry for jobber. Despite this, Horowitz always showed up for work on time and fellow wrestlers rarely complained about his hygiene.

Teaching millions of children to never give-up even though they should have never tried in the first place.