While the year 1785 is perhaps best known for being both the year that English actress Kitty Clive died and the year that the University of New Brunswick was founded after two children built a lean-to in the Fredericton wilderness, it also happens to be the first year that the world experienced death from above at the hands of deathtraps known as hot air balloons.

Setting a frightening precedent and serving as a bad example for bored Europeans and people of European-descent, on January 7^th, 1785, Jean-Pierre Blanchard of France and John Jeffries of the United States travelled from England to France via hot air balloon. Not only did they become the first documented case of race-traitors to race-trait at 1000-feet, they also became the first people to cross the English Channel by  air as well as the first people to fly in the face of God since Icarus.

While God is Love, God is also Anger and Disappointment, and God didn’t take kindly to subsequent attempts by humans to “get all up in his business” – as God was mainly concerned with the racket of travelling by air during the latter 18^th century.

In the months after Blanchard and Jeffries successfully piloted a hot air balloon, there were two hot air balloon disasters that, to this day, continue to vie for the coveted title of ‘first aviation disaster or air-based terrorist attack’.

On March 10^th, a hot air balloon crashed in Tullamore, Ireland. This crash caused a fire that burned down approximately 100 houses, all of which were being used to store Ireland’s potato crop, thus retroactively causing what would be known as The Great Famine. Interestingly, famine is also a sign of the apocalypse.^{[who says this is interesting?]}

Thirty-six days later, Jean-François Pilâtre de Rozier and Pierre Romain also managed to crash a balloon. The pair took-off from Boulogne-sur-Mer and shortly thereafter the balloon crashed into an open field near Wimereux. Some say the balloon deflated, others say the passengers onboard rushed the terrorist pilots and prevented the balloon from reaching its destination. There was no fire due to this crash, however, as Baby Jesus figured the two men would face enough fire during the eternity they spend in hell.

After these incidents in 1785, humans took the hint and gave up on air travel, opting to stay at home and pray all day. This practice would remain until the punishment was over and the divinely inspired word of Reaganomics was revealed. Travel by air was once again allowed, and God’s guidance with Jesus acting as air-traffic control prevented such air-based catastrophes from occurring again.

God and Son Airlines, guiding our planes and hearts.

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After moving to the mountains of Tibet in order to become Buddhist monks, the Sofel Video Game Concern decided to take a vow of poverty.

In an attempt to reflect that vow of poverty in the high-falutin’ world of video game production, Sofel created Chitei Senkuu Vazorudaa, a game which accidentally added ‘celibacy’ to their list of vows.

Chitei Senkuu Vazorudaa, released as Super Mario Bros. 2 in East Germany, tosses players into the high-octane world of sub terrain travel and exploration. In order to accomplish this Communist make-work activity, players must drive their vehicle to the right side of the screen and engage in the genocide of the underground dwellers as they do it.

Luckily, genocide has never been so easy to commit, as Chitei Senkuu Vazorudaa features a meticulously crafted control scheme that makes use of at least 89% of the buttons on the Nintendo Entertainment System controller – and it’s even compatible with the Plastic Bag Over Your Head peripheral.

To play, players must make use of the directional pad to move left and right, while the ‘B’ button shoots and the ‘A’ button switches between various options for travel. Showing the influence of classics like Chexder, Chitei Senkuu Vazorudaa also allows players to switch between modes of transport by giving them the option to ‘drive’ and ‘fly’. This is unlocked through an intuitive system of pressing directions on the directional pad in tandem with the ‘A’ button – I spent a brief moment as a mechanical dinosaur before beating the game by discovering the in-game power-off key combination.

Unfortunately, Sofel made only a dozen copies of this cartridge, all of which were mixed with feces and grass in order to cover up the landfill created to safely store E.T. for the Atari 2600.

Vow of poverty successfully maintained.

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A young man named Ronald Reagan took the world by storm during the 1980s by suggesting the wealthy let their golden fortunes trickle down unto the needy.

"Golden Shower Economics" as it later became known, was an attempt to give the highest income earners in America so much money that they literally could not store any more of it. The theory surmised that once a bank account had reached the $999,999,999,999,999 limit, the money would certainly need to be given away to the poor unwashed masses.

By reducing tax rates in the highest tax bracket from 70% to -900%, the government had begun paying people to be wealthy.

As personal fortunes accumulated – fueled by the middle class’s taxes – the country saw a golden age of prosperity for the already prosperous. The lower classes, while not seeing "wealth" per se, did get treated to images of what it was to be wealthy via the government funded "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous" program.

Ronald Reagan had successfully created so few "haves" that they became a rounding error amongst the hundreds of millions of "have nots." The country was now equal in wealth, aside from a few abnormalities known as "Multi-Billionaires."

While he hadn’t succeeded in showering golden warmth down upon the poor, he had started the process. Even some 30 years after this all began, bank accounts are slowly marching toward that ceiling. Surely once the first wealthy individual hits $999,999,999,999,999 he’ll begin sharing his wealth.

For now we all just have to hunker down and continue contributing to the accounts of the super-rich, idolizing them and waiting for the day when their greed reaches a set-in-stone limit imposed by Ronald Reagan himself and passed into law by a series of divine tablets.

(Reagan, to the left, during his first term in office)

Reagan was later nominated for the Nobel prize in economics but lost to a vending machine.

Finally, a game that combines the age-old pastimes of hitting balls and holding sticks into one compact plastic cartridge under the ambiguous name of ‘pool’.

Tired of the old idea of pool, Konami decided to take pool in an entirely new direction. This new way of imagining pool is called Championship Pool, which was released as Super Mario Bros. 2 in the former Yugoslavia.

In this reconstruction, Konami decided to do away with that whole ‘water’ thing, fill the pool with concrete, and erect a solidly constructed and American made table. Upon this table, one can find a series of numbered balls. This changes the goal of pool from ‘not drowning’ to ‘putting balls into pockets by hitting them with another ball that one must first hit with a stick’. The smell of chlorine remains, however, as chlorine is now huffed from a paper bag between turns.

All of this can be accomplished quickly and easily by pressing the ‘A’ button. Championship Pool also has the unique feature of forcing its players to look at a picture of an old man instead of watching their opponent play – a change that would be welcome for most Nintendo Entertainment System titles.

No longer will pool be associated with being half-naked in a deathtrap – but there are still plenty of other ways to make this happen. I call it ‘Friday night’, for example.

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Lex “Lawrence Wendell Pfohl” Luger started his career as a CFL football star before he gained world renowned as the first pro-wrestler to successfully overdose a Miss Elizabeth.

Luger’s career in wrestling had the most improbable of beginnings. In 1985 an ex-wrestler discovered Luger’s incredible mullet at a celebrity golf tournament. Awe-stuck by Luger’s ability to keep work up front and a party in his rear, the cauliflower eared veteran decided to give Luger the directions to the nearest WCW bathhouse for some training on how to wrestle other men.

Luger, mullet-on-head, greased himself up and arrived in style – riding Miss Elizabeth while holding a bag of heroin out in front of her on a stick.

He’d handled himself around other greased up men before, so it wasn’t long until he was in the squared-rectangle getting ready to tango with some of the WCW’s biggest celebrities.

After defeating Scruffy “PCP Shoes” Johnson at the WCW’s annual Chancellor of the Ring tournament, Luger decided to leave for greener pastures. Then, once he’d finished injecting cattle growth hormones, he decided to leave the pasture for greener WWFs.

Lex stuffed his Miss Elizabeth into his suitcase, along with some sequined trunks, and headed for Vince McMahon’s wrestling promotion. Vince had just the idea for Lex – an egotistical wrestler whose sole gimmick is “looking in a mirror.” It was lightening in a bottle – before long everyone on the planet was using a mirror.

Soon Hulk “Hulk” Hogan left for the WCW, hoping to join forces with Scruffy Johnson and reform “The Mega Powers.” Vince McMahon needed someone to give the big push to in Hogan’s absence, and Lex Luger happened to have a pair of trunks with the US flag on them.

Lex “The New Deal” Luger boarded the Lex Express bus covered in a giant US flag, and set forth on a nationwide tour. The tour, titled “Pearl Harbor: Payback in the Pacific” was set to end with a 500lb Yokozuna getting body slammed on the U.S.S. Ronald Reagan.

The twist of the tour was that Yokozuna was from California, and Lex Luger was actually 1/16h Japanese, and drove a Mitsubishi.

The tour was a complete success, with Lex Luger body slamming Yokozuna and then leaving for the WCW – removing the Japanese menace from Vince’s organization.

In WCW Lex Luger took on the persona of “Lex Luger” – a character who often missed events, and showed up to many of them with his new manager Huffy “Bag of Gas” Gas Bag. When officials tried to keep Luger from bringing the bag of gas to the ring he responded by huffing more gas. It was a slippery slope.

In 2003 Luger finally unpacked his Miss Elizabeth and insisted she take some huffs from his manager’s sole orifice. Miss Elizabeth couldn’t help herself and huffed and huffed until she joined the rest of the 80s WWF roster in Heaven.

Once the 3-count was complete Lex Luger was awarded the Intercontinental Miss Elizabeth Killing title, and permanently retired himself from wrestling by becoming a temporary paraplegic, and then, even worse, a born again Christian.

Japan finally lets the world know its stance on threesomes: perfectly fine as long as the woman stays in the middle and doesn’t do anything.

City Adventure Touch: Mystery of Triangle is a unique title in that it was designed to combat what was perceived as the destruction of family values, led by the Jewish Hollywood Homosexual Agenda. This agenda is evident in such titles as Double Dragon and 1991 Du Ma Racing.

To make their mark on the norms and values of gamers, Toho Cinefile-Soft Library unleashed the Leviathan known as City Adventure Touch. This title features one of the rawest forms of game play to ever send women back into the kitchen and make me a sandwich. It consists mainly of double-teaming a group of midgets while protecting a female, which players must do until they become bored.

The controls are relatively simple – the ‘B’ button punches and the ‘A’ button oppresses a visible minority – making this an excellent title for that Good Ol’ Boy on your Christmas shopping list.

Wholesome fun for a traditional family. Not for gays or feminists.

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