Due to the invention of something known as “the media” in the early 1980s, the phrase “Welfare Queen” was able to enter the popular lexicon. The history of the term, however, has three distinct turning points.

The term first came into private use after especially-flamboyant photos of Franklin Delano “The New Deal” Roosevelt were discovered in the Oval Office in the 1960s.

This inside joke at the White House was first publicly discussed as a result of a slip-up by our Handsome and Glorious Leader Ronald Reagan during his first presidential campaign in 1976. While he was robbed of his victory by Jimmy “Welfare Queen” Carter, Reagan tried to maintain the air of decency that surrounds the myth of Roosevelt by conjuring up a false image of a woman who defrauds the welfare system by having many children, refusing to work, and being of African-descent.

In the 1980s, the term “Welfare Queen” came to represent what we know and love it as today. During his second presidential campaign, Reagan tried to address what he saw as an upsurge in loyalist activity in the northeastern United States: “Welfare Queen” was then used to address Queen Elizabeth II of England and how she simply lived off “tax-payers’ money” while “not really doing anything”.

Showing his effectiveness as a leader, Reagan appealed to Americans’ love for their staunchly protestant and American work ethic. Grandma Matheson quickly took down the Union Jack flag from her wall, and the potential revolt was crushed – or folded-up and tucked-away in an attic.

Thanks, President Reagan – or Ronnie, as I like to call him – for maintaining our Glorious and True national unity in the face of adversity.

Zeig Heil.

Final Score:  

Fulfill your every fantasy as you take the role of a goldfish/chicken/bomb whose ability to walk on walls and ceilings is only trumped by his ability to touch our hearts.

Chack ‘n Pop, or Streets of Rage II in Swaziland, has you tasked with rescuing a heart from a cage. Using only the power of a tight-knit family, and aided partially by bombs, you’ll have to make your way from the top left of the screen all the way to the bottom right.

Are you a bad enough dude to navigate your way diagonally across your floor model television’s crystal clear screen?

I’ve created a FAQ for this game to help you get past the first level, and hopefully you’ll catch on from there.

Travel in this general direction.

|\————-|
|—\———–|
|——\———|
|-——\——-|
|——–\—–|
|———–\—|

Sly Stallone hits this role out of the park!

Final Score:  

Japanese horse racing has never been exciting.   Err… so exciting…

Boy howdy it seems like forever since the last string of Japanese casino games, but here we are again. I hope you brought a bag of Japanese Yen and a love of horses bordering on illegal.

Obviously this game isn’t 1991 Du Ma Racing caliber – nothing truly is. So now that we have that out of the way – this game stands on its own as one of the finest horse racing sims out there. It’s got horses, running, gambling, and Japanese text.

What more could you ask for? Fun? Enjoyment?

Final Score:  

Taking the familiar 1942-style into the THIRD DIMENSION.

If you’ve ever flown an F14 you’ll feel right at home in this classic sports title from Acclaim.

For starters, it features the familiar “top-down” perspective pilots use to fly their planes. For seconders, it features bullets, missiles, and huge swaths of fire emitted from the front of your plane.

Overall the game is very similar to the Atari classic “Star Fox”. Though it features a hawk in place of a fox, and is published on a cartridge instead of a slice of bologna.

The only way this game could get any more realistic would be to have you liberate Iraqis from their families and homes.

Final Score:  

By introducing children dressed as bunnies to the lovable genre of card games, Japan shows that it truly is on the cutting-edge of entertainment.

Cadillac is a card game in which players must decide where to place cards on a grid.

The graphics are stunning, making players feel like they’re really looking at a pixilated interpretation of what such a game might look like if it were a video game. The controls are equally stunning, as players use the directional pad to move the card around the grid and ‘A’ pauses the game.

The trick is to stack the cards until they surpass the gaming area, proving that you are able to think outside of the box and its inherent limitations, and that you’re the one who really deserved that promotion, not Johnson from accounting.

Overall, Cadillac certainly meets the minimum requirements needed in order to be called a game. It Reminds me of the old country, where bunnies and cards weren’t segregated.

Separate but equal indeed.

Final Score:  

The exciting sequel to Bomberman!

Bomberman II, known as Bomber II Man in Australia, tries to take the Bomberman series in a different direction by introducing a ‘story’. The story begins with a gimp named Super Mario Bros. locked away in his cage. After spending 36-hours staring at the wall, Super Mario Bros. begins to regret his decision to enter the exciting world of bondage-domination and sadism-masochism (BDSM).

The controls and environments have been slightly improved since the first release since Hudson Soft finally realized how to maximize the potential of the Nintendo Entertainment System. (The secret? Not having monkeys sitting in cubicles and typing away at Commodore 64s but Coleco Adams.)

Are you a bad enough dude to help Super Mario Bros. escape? Or will you realize that you really enjoy the pain and embrace the bomb? (A cleverly-disguised metaphor referring to having a high-heel boot on one’s throat, which is, in itself, a cleverly-disguised metaphor for life.)

I’m not weird, it… it just… it helps me feel, y’know?

Final Score: