Behold, the anchor for ABC’s T.G.I.F. (‘Thank God It’s Friday,’ later changed to ‘Thank Goodness It’s Friday’ in order to appease the American Civil Liberties Union) primetime lineup!

Perfect Strangers is based on a simple idea: What if two people who don’t necessarily know each other very well, and maybe don’t quite get along, lived together in the bustling metropolis of Salt Lake City, Utah?

The first pair of ‘strangers’ were played by Mark Linn-Baker and Louie Anderson. Linn-Baker was to play the Utah native ‘Larry Appleton’ while Anderson was to take on the roll of Appleton’s retarded cousin from Minnesota, ‘Louie Anderson’.

Citing a ‘lack of chemistry’ as the reason, the show’s producer asked Anderson to leave shortly after the casting director said he was hired. Igniting Anderson’s rage, Anderson then stomped his feet, farted, and strutted out of the room, never to be seen again.

Fearing that a complement for Linn-Baker could not be found, the show’s creator Dale McRaven briefly toyed with the idea of calling the show The Perfect Stranger and selling it as a masturbatory technique guide.

When Linn-Baker told McRaven that he was all too familiar with sitting on his hands until they became numb due to a decrease in blood flow, McRaven knew they could achieve the success he desired. This would allow McRaven to make the five, maybe even ten, dollars that he had dreamt of since he was a small boy.

While McRaven and Linn-Baker contemplated poses and marketing, acclaimed actor Bronson Pinchot wandered into the studio to try to win the role of ‘Louie Anderson’. After hearing Pinchot’s reading, McRaven and Linn-Baker scrapped their previous idea, thus allowing Perfect Strangers to once again be a television show instead of a book sold at pornography conventions.

With Pinchot hired, the premise and lineup of Perfect Strangers was solidified. Linn-Baker would still play ‘Larry Appleton’, a straight-shooting, no-nonsense Mormon. Pinchot’s reading of ‘Louie Anderson’ was so unique that his character was changed: Pinchot would now play ‘Balky “Sergei” Bartokomous’, Appleton’s Eastern European cousin, who liked to do such things as ‘talk funny’ and ‘be hairy’.

Showing that McRaven had the Midas touch, Perfect Strangers lasted for an unprecedented 300-seasons. Shortly thereafter McRaven decided to switch to the Gregorian calendar.

Because Perfect Strangers workws to show that Americans and Europeans could get along if they really tried, McRaven, Linn-Baker, and Pinchot were collectively nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. Unfortunately, they lost to ‘cancelling the awards this year due to a lack of nominees’.

Solving world problems through 30-minute installments.

Invented by Nazi scientist Hans Rubik in 1974 from his hideout in Argentina, the Rubik’s Cube was simple in design, but proved essential in showing the depth of the world’s inherent racism.

Upon first handling the contraption, the first thing children would do is try to sort the colors – removing “wrong” colors from “right” colors. The block had come with no such instructions, and children could just as well have enjoyed the mixing of colors and the beauty of the mixture. Instead, people encouraged their children to quickly sort colors. Children unable to differentiate between colors were sent to special schools for reeducation.

Those who took to the task and excelled often competed in tournaments, with the winner being crowned “Grand Wizard”. Studies were later conducted on the “winners” and it was determined a full 100% of their brain was being used to sort colors, leaving nothing left for even the most basic functions of life.

A community was set up by scientists to analyze the behavior of these “sorters”. The community, StormFront, was quickly filled with sorters and when interest waned in the Rubik’s Cube talk turned to sorting humans based on color.

In Rubik’s wildest dreams he never imagined he would reignite the prejudice and hate of his own past, but he had succeeded. Sorting spread through the United States, with the majority of growth in the Southern US. Rubik’s Cubes began appearing dangling from the rear-view mirrors of Trans-Ams and pickup trucks.

Never has one item gone on to symbolize the absolute worst humanity has to offer as well as the Rubik’s Cube.

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As we stand on the precipice of one of the largest events in the history of mankind, it’s important to first remember to whom we owe our undying loyalty and prayer.

Mario Mario, or “Fat White Devil Plumber” in Japan, had his beginning in a 1933 film titled King Kong. In the film he was tasked with overcoming an unending barrage of barrels in order to rescue a princess (played by Fay Wray).

Exactly 50 years later, for the 50th Anniversary of King Kong, Mario came back to star in Mario Bros. Released on a 300lb arcade unit, it could be inserted into a Room and powered up, making it the largest cartridge ever manufactured.

The title was so successful that it was rereleased as a Grammy winning album, an Oscar winning film, and even in book form. The story was as timeless as the lead character, telling the tale of a plumber and his twin brother who are given the impossible mission of cleaning duck/turtle hybrids out of the New York sewer system.

In 1984 the US government passed a law requiring a new Mario game every 2 years. Shigeru Miyamoto, the creator of Mario was more than willing to oblige. In 1986 Super Mario Bros. was released to the NES and the portable NES (also known as ‘holding an NES cartridge in your hands and using your imagination’). It was an incredible success, building on the momentum of Mario Bros., and going on to sell more copies than actual NES consoles owned.

The story elaborated on the original game by evolving New York’s sewer system into an elaborate series of over-world maps, adding mythical Goombas from Japanese lore, and making Mario the first black NES character. Unfortunately, due to the limited color palette of the NES, Mario’s change of race would go unnoticed.

Now, in 1988, we’re preparing for the second coming of Super Mario. We’re tithing into our piggy banks, getting ready to give our contributions to the omnipotent Mr. Miyamoto.

With Super Mario Bros. sitting as the highest ranked game in the history of the numerical system, it’s hard to imagine Super Mario Bros. 2 wont knock the ball out of the park, into the stratosphere, and then eat the bat and all remaining balls.

We’ve been given the chance to play an early copy of the game, going by the codename Yume K?j?: Doki Doki Panic, and so far it looks like Miyamoto hasn’t lost a step in the 2 years since the last epic.

The gamers asked for it, and Miyamoto answered. We can say exclusively that TURNIP PULLING will be in this game! Finally you can reach down and haul up some turnip.

From our brief playthrough of the first level, we can also reveal that every single enemy involved in the entire series has been replaced, and you will now be fighting against flightless birds with poor vision, and Jason Voorhees inspired walking strawberries.

It’s not only a revolutionary move which is sure to please fans, but an important step in legitimizing the Mario Bros. storyline and setting up the third game in the trilogy, wherein Mario travels to the final castle to find that Bowser was inside of him the entire time, and that the princess was, in fact, his own feminine nature.

The princess is in another castle, Mario – the castle protected by a moat of your own fear of criticism and sense of shame.

Centuries ahead of his time, Bam Bam Bigelow taught wrestling fans that it’s ok to be a flamer.

Known to friends and family members as Scott Charles Bigelow, Scott blossomed out of this name in the late 1970s when he joined the tri-county area motivational speaker circuit and decided to choose a name he felt fitting. Looking to his favourite Saturday morning cartoon show, The Flintstones, Scott picked the pseudonym Bam Bam in order to show the kids that he was hip and cool.

After a particularly electrifying speech on the topic of “not oinking at police officers,” Bigelow was approached by the Ultimate Warrior, who claimed to be Bigelow’s biggest fan. After discussing the finer points of motivational speaking, the Ultimate Warrior suggested that Bigelow get in contact with Vince MacMahon and join the cushy world of professional wrestling.

After a brief three-week period in MacMahon’s Basement Wrestling Association (MBWA), Bigelow entered the high octane world of the World Wrestling Federation. His first match was as a part of the short-lived tag team the Rainbow Connection, which saw him partnered with the Ultimate Warrior, against the Rainbow Connection II – which later changed its name to The Rockers.

The Rainbow Connection was victorious after Bigelow used his signature move “a punch to the throat” on Shawn Michaels. Bigelow left the Rainbow Connection shortly thereafter, claiming creative differences with the Ultimate Warrior and that the Ultimate Warrior was mentally unstable to the point that Bigelow feared his “retard strength”.

Bigelow’s fear allowed him to have a successful wrestling career outside of the tag team circuit, winning approximately zero championships during his stay in the World Wrestling Federation.

Despite this lack of official championships, Bigelow was the recipient of the most important award of all. That’s right, Bigelow was the co-recipient – with Gene “Mean Gene” Okerlund – of the 1987 Slammy Award for ‘Best Head’.

Out of the spotlight but still in our hearts, we’ll never forget Bam Bam “Best Head” Bigelow.

Redefining the lift-genre one helicopter crash at a time.

In the mid 1980s, both the lift- and helicopter-genres of video games became safe, predictable, and – some would argue – stale. The Jaleco Corporation, never ones to turn away from a challenge, saw this sad state of affairs and did their best to provide mouth-to-mouth resuscitation for a bloated corpse.

The result was Choplifter, a game that’s more about lifting than it is chopping. In this title, players must do the hitherto unheard task of flying to the left side of the screen. The controls are intuitive as the directional pad allows the helicopter to lift and maneuver, while the ‘B’ button sometimes shoots bullets and sometimes drops bombs, and the ‘A’ button sometimes rotates the helicopter ever-so-slightly and sometimes does nothing at all.

Because of its controls, Choplifter added some difficulty to the genre. In the past, most helicopter titles allowed players to fly ‘forward,’ but trying to fly forward in Choplifter only increases the difficulty.

Taking the genre a step backward. …By which I mean a step forward. You know how the kids are using ‘backward’ these days.

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Like the original Lode Runner but now with 50% more ‘Lode’ and 63% more ‘Championship’!

After the success of Super Mario Bros. 2, Nintendo asked itself how it could take the least enjoyable aspect of the game – digging through sand to collect keys – and make that into its own Nintendo Entertainment System title.

The result of this love affair was Lode Runner and eventually Championship Lode Runner, Championship Lode Runner Tournament Edition, and Super Championship Lode Runner World Warriors II. Looking to steal some of Hudson Soft’s momentum, Nintendo decided to throw in Bomber Man as the main enemy.

The premise of the game is simple. Players must pick up piles (“lodes”) of gold while avoiding nefarious Bomber Mans. To defend themselves against Bomber Mans, players can use their magic wands to dig holes to the left and right with the ‘B’ and ‘A’ buttons respectively.

In addition to this exciting array of activities, players can also

• ascend ladders; and
• descend ladders.

Overall, Championship Lode Runner is an interesting and challenging puzzle game that put Hudson Soft in its place.

Don’t end up with lode on your face. That’s my technique.

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