Taking the ‘Sitting in a car full of notepads’ genre to another level.

Take a pile of Japanese pamphlets out to your car and have a seat. If you’d rate this experience a 10 out of a possible 10 then have this game soldered into your NES.

There appears to be no way to exit the car, drive the car, or win or lose. You’re just sitting in a car with a pile of Japanese notes. No matter what you answer to “Yes/No” you’re still in the car.

It’s an exercise in patience more than anything else. Luckily I had my Game Genie handy so I input the proper code to change “sitting time” to infinity and was greeted with a congratulations screen and a warning about self-administering rohypnol.

At least let me honk the horn

Final Score:  

A family create a robotic 12 year old and struggle to keep it a secret that’s she a robot!

I believe the show was originally created with Keanu Reeves in mind, but after a pilot was filmed with him they realized there’s no way to hide the fact that he’s a robot.

Instead, little Vicki is our robot.

There’s just something inherently creepy about a man hiding a 12 year old girl from society. And it doesn’t help that there are thousands of fan sites for Vicki in her 12 year old robot form all across the internet.

Actually I’m going to cut this one short, this show is just wrong on every level.

Filthy

Final Score:  

A title taken straight from the wall of your Grade 9 science class.

You take the role of our hero, Rad Gravity, as he attempts to stab hundreds of disabled seniors using his energy sword.

I’m sure the plot goes much deeper than this, but it shouldn’t. In fact, this would be better titled Rad Gravity: Senior Stabber, lending it a bit of credibility. Credibility which is sorely lacking in a game that sounds like it belongs on the back pages of a Highlights workbook.

Get your filthy education out of my Nintendo

Final Score:  

With the recent invention of fire, we’ve decided to eliminate all other species.

Most of us have daydreamed of running through the prehistoric wastelands destroying every fish, bird, and furry horned head we can find. This game fulfills that fantasy with flying colors.

The battleground advances ahead regardless of what you do, but you’re allotted the ability to run forward, backward, and side to side while throwing fireballs ahead to incinerate all obstacles (except, of course, mounds of dirt and rock).

It’s no Flintstones: The Rescue of Dino & Hoppy, but very few games are. In fact only one game is.

Suffers from the curse of “Not being the Flintstones”

Final Score:  

At one time Full House was the hottest show on Television, but not anymore.

Who out there doesn’t want to see a new episode of Full House? I  often wonder what Kimmy Gibbler is up to or what liquor store Uncle Jesse’s kids are robbing. Unfortunately, right when the show was at its peak (with Uncle Jesse on tour with the Beach Boys, and Uncle Joey becoming a famous comedian) it was taken from us. Taken by substance abuse and deceit.

The show’s problems can be traced back to an incident in the early 90s where Joey left the show to pursue a professional wrestling career. Performing as Crush, Joey was a jobber at best, as useless as  a turnbuckle at worst. He rarely spoke while with the WWF and thus never made use of his best asset, his incredible skill for mimicking 60 year old Looney Tune characters.

While he was gone the show went on hiatus and all of the characters were replaced by an African-American policeman, his family, and their zany neighbor Steve Urkel. Family Matters, as the replacements would be called in syndication, would continue on for several years before Full House’s original cast returned.

When they came back to television in 2005 Michelle had cloned herself, Stephanie had become a meth addict, D.J. was a born again Christian, and Jesse had outed himself as a homosexual, causing some awkward tension between he and his wife Becky.

The magic was gone and would never return.

I hope crushing those heads in the WWF was worth it, Uncle Joey.

Taking your old boring clothing to another level through the power of rhinestones.

Sick of wearing dull clothes that blend into a crowd? Looking for a way to stand out? Why not add an Elvis silhouette to your denim jacket?

That’s a nice hat – but it’d be a lot nicer with a rhinestone American flag on it.

Why blend in when you can be dazzling.

Sticking objects to your clothing is never the answer

Final Score: