Everyone’s favourite game involving throwing a large ball at pins is now available on the Nintendo Entertainment System!

Before the fall of the Berlin Wall, the great sport of bowling had been one of society’s most harshly oppressed ball-based games. But once that wall came down, the United States could no longer restrict the sport to bowling alleys and the grassy lawns of senior citizens’ complexes.

As a sign of freedom, Championship Bowling grew out from underneath the rubble, bringing with it an interesting assortment of orange colours and a simple and effective set of controls.

Championship Bowling also smashes the age-old ‘truth’ that the only person who cares about bowling is the person who is bowling, as when players bowl a ‘strike’ (swing the bat at the ball and miss), two women will appear and do a celebratory dance. This means that at least three people care about bowling. Amazing.

Will definitely fill the void left by a 7-10 split.

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Curt Hennig, son of famous mixed figure skating duo “The Flying Hennigs”, was born with athleticism in his blood, and alcohol on his breath.

By the early 80s Henning had already established himself as a popular wrestling trunk model in the local glam-rock scene. The obvious next step was to step into the job of professional wrestler – the trunks of which he’d already become accustomed to.

It was no easy road for young Curtis, however, as no amount of wearing tights could have prepared him for the grueling travel schedule. Luckily years of steroid abuse had left room in the front of his tights to store pain killers.

He would return to the front of his trunks throughout his career – some would say it was his undoing, to others it bordered on hedonistic self-pleasuring.

When Hennig approached Vince McMahon with his hand down his trunks, Vince didn’t see a problem with it, in fact, he saw an opportunity. He quickly gave Hennig the nickname “Mr. Perfect” and proposed.

 With Mr. Perfect as the new face of the WWF, putting a hand down one’s own trunks spread like wildfire throughout America.

Unfortunately all good things must come to an end, and on December 11, 2001, Curt Hennig found himself aboard the U.S.S. Bismarck when the treacherous Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor.

The world mourned, not only for Curt Hennig, but for Vince McMahon, who had lost perhaps the most perfect love of all.

On December 11, let’s all put our hands in our trunks and remember what’s truly important in life.

The year is 199x. Are you a bad enough dude to rescue the president?

After receiving rave reviews as the launch (only) title for the Casio Calculator Watch, Chester Field: Ankoku Shin heno Chousen was quickly ported to the Nintendo Entertainment System home console.

While the game-play likely looks familiar but the name might not ring a bell for Eastern Europeans, this is because this was released as Rad Racer on that side of the Iron Curtain.

This should not be confused with the North American version of Rad Racer, though both games shared the same soundtrack and control scheme. This will allow North American players to easily pick up the controller and play, as the ‘A’ button accelerates and the ‘B’ button brakes.

Can you get through the checkpoints before time runs out?

Average action-adventure game.

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Born John Wisniski, Jr, Greg “The Hammer” Valentine decided to give up his slave-name in exchange for a name that best represented his desire to get his hands on some wood – and his lifelong dream of becoming a carpenter.

Thus John Carpenter was born, and Wisniski wrestled under this name in the Idaho County Fair Wrestling Circuits. It was on this circuit in the late 1970s that Wisniski met Vince McMahon, who had been kidnapped by poachers and put on display as a “gorilla in a suit.” McMahon stood especially close to Wisniski while using the urinals that day, and as their urine streams crossed paths, the most solid of friendships was forged.

McMahon eventually invited Wisniski to bring his character of John Carpenter to the WWF, and in 1984 John “John Carpenter” Wisniski, Jr. made his debut. Wisniski handled his opponents like he handled his lumber, with an unmatched expediency and tenderness.

In 1987, Wisniski challenged Bret “the Hitman” Hart to what became the greatest spectacle 1987 had ever seen. As a part of that year’s Summerslam, the two engaged in “The All-American Grease-Off.” While it was a close competition, Bret Hart was declared victor once he pointed out that not only did he have a greasy chest but also greasy hair. With a heavy, greasy heart, Wisniski decided that it was time to end his wrestling career.

Before retiring, Wisniski went on to win the Intercontinental Championship (by defeating Tito Santana) and the Tag-Team Championship, which he shared with Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake, in addition to a lovely two-storey home, two adopted children, and a dog kennel.

Everyone’s favourite wrestler named John Carpenter.

In 1986 the US Navy decided to produce a two hour long recruiting video.

Starring a young unknown named Tom Cruise, the film was meant to show the new flamboyant and arrogant attitude of the military. USA! USA! USA!

Wars are now won and lost based on the size of a pilot’s ego, so the hope was that Top Gun could pull in the largest egos possible.

Cruise’s character, Maverick, was a motorcycle riding, life endangering, true American hero. Anthony Edwards, playing the part of Goose, represented the men unfit for military service; those who would ask "Should we be doing another flyby of the tower, Mav?" and "Mav, that ground looks awfully close."

The lesson was hammered home when Goose met his untimely end, at the hands of a cockpit window.

If only he’d had the good sense to shoot out the window with his sidearm before jumping out of the F14, then use his massive American balls to slow his descent, he’d still be alive today.

Maverick survives the incident, and goes on to make love to several dozen women all while piloting his plane, smoking a cigar, and listening to Ronald Reagan campaign ads at half-speed so he can appreciate every subtle nuance of the man, the myth, the legend: The Ronald Reagan.

The moral of the story is that Maverick, a man with wanton disregard for everything in his life, with the exception of causing destruction on behalf of America, is practically bulletproof. While Goose, who found himself asking questions beginning with ‘why’ and ‘should’, found himself a literal fly on a windshield.

USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!

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For decades women had been paying homage to their equestrian friends by pulling their hair toward the back of their collective heads and holding it in place with some sort of witchcraft in order to recreate the effect of having a horse’s – or pony’s – tail.

The downfall of the ponytail occurred amidst a storm of controversy in the early 1980s. There were two major contributors to this debate: People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) and a collection of radical-feminist groups.

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals believed that these women were engaging in act of parody that was creating a Holocaust’s worth of hurt feelings for both horses and ponies.

The radical-feminist groups argued, however, that the ponytail was a symbol of patriarchy, or male-dominance of society: Mimicking a horse’s tail on one’s head was merely drawing parallels between the woman’s head and a horse’s behind.

A slap-fight in a pit of mud ensued. After all the scratching and pulling and semi-nude touching was over, the two sides realized that they were both looking for the same thing: respect. Respect which was constitutionally guaranteed to them in the Equality of Women and Horses  Act, recognized internationally after it was signed at 11am on November 11^th, 1918.

After a lengthy discussion a mutually accepted outcome was reached. From now on, ponytails would be worn to the side. Horses and women agreed that this was acceptable because anyone who wore their hair to the side looked like a bit of an ass anyway.

There were no more hurt feelings, and because of this the “side ponytail” is a true American hero.

Nobel Peace Price nominee.

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