Since man learned to walk on two feet, rather than four hooves, it had been our dream to work out basic math problems and also tell time. With the incredible technological advances of the 1980s, it was now possible to do both – all within one device.

The idea of a calculator combined with a watch was nothing new – even in the days before watches or calculators. In the 1300s the idea of a sundial combined with an abacus had been presented, but was rejected as being witchcraft and all those involved were thrown off a cliff.

In the 1970s the idea came back – with the witch hunts finally subsiding. The first to try out the new device was a young inventor named Farrah Fawcett.  Unfortunately technology had not matched the unbridled ambition of young Farrah, and the device was a failure.

It wouldn’t be until the mid-80s that the device was finally refined into a more manageable size.

It had it all – the time, a basic calculator, even a battery. It was the total package. It was on every child’s wish list.

Eventually schools banned the use of the watches in classrooms for getting in the way of good Christian learning. It’s God’s work putting the proper numbers in our minds, and any answers coming from this heathenous device would surely add up to 666.

Luckily, by the end of the 80s the popularity of the device had waned, and God’s role in the lives of young children was restored.

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The Great Blizzard of 1888 – also referred to as the Blizzard of ’88 by those of us who were present – is a snowstorm that lasted for three days in March, from the 11^th until the 14^th.

The weather preceding the storm was oddly above seasonal norms, reaching a brisk -25° Celsius in some parts of Eastern Canada and the northeastern United States. In warmer parts of the United States, such as Maine and Massachusetts, the storm’s initial precipitation began as a light, mist-like rain that was a welcome break from the sweltering heat.

Old folks (pictured on the left) rejoiced as the fear of death caused by a warm breeze was thwarted, and firefighters tightened up the bolts on fire hydrants as children decided to dance in the rain.

The heat and merry demeanors disappeared as God rained down his wrath upon the east, smiting the sinful homosexuals and latte-drinkers of the east coast.

Between fire and brimstone, God managed to drop a whopping fifty-inches of snow in some parts of the sinful and wicked land (pictured on the right). God’s judging winds gusted to thousands of miles per hour, blowing cowardly sinners from all corners of the continent into the cleansing and baptismal waters of the northern Atlantic Ocean.

People began to hoard food out of fear and in order to prepare for what was deemed to be the end of times. And they were thusly smote for their insolence.

By the end of the storm, there was nary a mouse scurry from Virginia to Maine to the several dozen provinces that make up Atlantic Canada. In order to get the trains and carriages in motion, it cost the governments of Canada and the United States several days and approximately seventy-five cents.

The storm was dubbed the Great White Hurricane – which just so happens to be both my boxing and stripping name (pictured on the left) – and caused four-hundred, insignificant sin-related fatalities.

Firm but fair. Good work, God. I’ll be praying extra hard tonight, if you catch my drift… That is to say, I’m quite aroused by such a forceful display.

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