As a grandmaster of chess, and 5 time Emmy award winner, I know a thing or two about a thing or three. So when I say that this is the best chess simulator I’ve played all afternoon, you’d better sit up and take notice.

All of your favorite chess pieces are included in this incredible tour de force. You’ve got the king, the queen, the soldiers, the fiddlers, the court jesters and even the dragons.

The only feature it’s lacking is the ability to “crown” the pieces. This feature was available in another version of chess I once played. I believe it was called “Chackers.”

Regardless of that though, this is probably the definitive version of chess you will ever play on a cartridge with Battle Chess written on it.

As soon as I started a game I went out and threw all of my chess boards into a duck pond. This is the future. This is a step above reality.

This is virtual reality.

This is HYPER REALITY.

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Unfortunately my perfectly legitimate store bought copy of this game wouldn’t work, so I had to resort to using the beta edition.

Don’t worry though, the beta is a near complete copy.

So in this game we take the role of a rectangle who is trying to avoid various squares and rectangles. The location of the game is a town filled with rudimentary geometric shapes.

I think it’s a biting satire about the use of round objects in video games. The subject matter (tomatoes) suits this satire perfectly.

A great effort all… a’round’ – Ha ha ha!

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Do you like clowns, son?

If your idea of a good time involves shooting beer bottles as a clown throws them then this game will fulfill your every fantasy – and then some!

Choose between such NES classics as:

• CLOWR
• SNAKE CHARMER
• SHOOTER

Once you grow tired of beer bottle shooting in CLOWR, you can move on to SNAKE CHARMER. In this game the trick to charming a snake is to shoot it in the head. When you’ve finished charming all of the snakes, and are standing on a mile high stack of their dead bodies, you can begin SHOOTER.

By this point you’ll probably have noticed a trend among these games, and will have guessed correctly that SHOOTER does, in fact, involve shooting. On your final shooting spree, take aim at cardboard cutouts of aliens.

12 hours later I had charmed every snake, it was now time to have a tea party with my new friends.

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All of your favorite players are here in All-Pro Basketball.

Of course, I’m assuming that your favorite players came from the imagination of the developer of this game. You are a fan of Aardvark on the Chicago Zephers, right?

Here’s the list of completely legitimate teams that you can choose from:

Get ready for some high flying action as you face off against some of the top faceless imaginary basketball players the NES has ever seen between 1988 and 1990 from Vic Tokai.

It’s a slam dunk!!!!!!

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Attacking animals like it’s going out of style.

One of several entries in the ‘Ever advancing green checkerboard’ genre, Attack Animal Gakuen follows the story of a young girl who is attempting to attack animals.

In her arsenal are:

• The ability to fly
• The ability to run
• A spiffy school uniform
• Fireballs

These, along with your own cat-like reflexes, will ensure that no animal or gakuen makes it out of this game alive.

Should you succeed, you will be rewarded with a PETA protest in your honor.

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Run on the NES Super Computer this design software will allow you to build anything from a dilapidated outhouse to the Pyramids.

That is, assuming you can build those things using a 100×40 block of sprites.

Personally, as a 30 year veteran Architect, I am intimately familiar with this software program. The malformed interface, lack of features, sporadic controls, and inability to save a file may keep ‘noobs’ away from this program, but the pros don’t use anything else.

Next time you want to complete a home renovation or build a new wonder of the world look no further.

Like MS Paint, only with 3 colors and no brush.

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