In the 1980s, it became popular to wear necklaces that were as high on the neck as they were tight.

Originally known as high and tights, wearers of this jewelry eventually opted for the name choker. The reason for this name-change was two-fold. The first reason was due to a cease and desist order from the Association of Retarded-Mentally Youth (ARMY), who had laid claim to the name in order to describe their haircut several days prior. (See upper-right.)

The second reason was to protest the oppressive nature of the economic regime of our Lord and Saviour, Lord Ronald Reagan, Esq. Under which, people claimed to feel as though their throats were being gently rubbed – as if by a cherub who was trying to help them swallow harsh medicine.

Despite the initial controversy, people were hankering to be choked: chokers made their way into a variety of dress styles, from people wealthy folks who wished to show off the size of their lode in pearl necklace format, to punk rockers, to fans of the Cure.

A certain rumour started by followers of New Age Mysticism helped the choker’s popularity. It was believed that limiting one’s intake of oxygen would allow choker-wearers to live longer, as they would not reach their total amount of breathable air quota until much, much later – giving the impression of relative immortality. Research shows that this is in fact true.^{[according to whom?]}

Young or old, rich or poor, people were dying to show how uncomfortable they were willing to be for the sake of fashion and ever-lasting life.

Tighter… tighter… Now spit on me.

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A young man named Ronald Reagan took the world by storm during the 1980s by suggesting the wealthy let their golden fortunes trickle down unto the needy.

"Golden Shower Economics" as it later became known, was an attempt to give the highest income earners in America so much money that they literally could not store any more of it. The theory surmised that once a bank account had reached the $999,999,999,999,999 limit, the money would certainly need to be given away to the poor unwashed masses.

By reducing tax rates in the highest tax bracket from 70% to -900%, the government had begun paying people to be wealthy.

As personal fortunes accumulated – fueled by the middle class’s taxes – the country saw a golden age of prosperity for the already prosperous. The lower classes, while not seeing "wealth" per se, did get treated to images of what it was to be wealthy via the government funded "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous" program.

Ronald Reagan had successfully created so few "haves" that they became a rounding error amongst the hundreds of millions of "have nots." The country was now equal in wealth, aside from a few abnormalities known as "Multi-Billionaires."

While he hadn’t succeeded in showering golden warmth down upon the poor, he had started the process. Even some 30 years after this all began, bank accounts are slowly marching toward that ceiling. Surely once the first wealthy individual hits $999,999,999,999,999 he’ll begin sharing his wealth.

For now we all just have to hunker down and continue contributing to the accounts of the super-rich, idolizing them and waiting for the day when their greed reaches a set-in-stone limit imposed by Ronald Reagan himself and passed into law by a series of divine tablets.

(Reagan, to the left, during his first term in office)

Reagan was later nominated for the Nobel prize in economics but lost to a vending machine.

While one person’s trash might be another person’s treasure, there are times when one person’s trash is also another’s person’s trash.

Originally released in 1985, the Garbage Pail Kids were designed to corner the market that was alienated by the success of the Cabbage Patch Kids: everyone knew that females like nonsense stories, babies, and especially the combination of the two, but how could the pockets of males be picked?

Once the Topps Company recognized this potential profit source, investment in hitting with sticks, masculine grunting, and sticking boogers to things took a downturn.

On the up-and-up (and up) was the Garbage Pail Kids, a series of collector cards and stickers accompanied by a stick of gum that served as a ticket to the dentist. The cards depicted Cabbage Patch-like babies in realistic and tasteful situations based on names rooted in “alliteration” and “playing” with “words” in order to create “humour”.

  One word: Delightful! 

The Garbage Pail Kids became so successful that it eventually spawned a lawsuit (“Please stop making your characters look so much like Cabbage Patch Kids.”), a major motion picture and an increased interest in the age-old practice of putting babies in the trash where some would argue they belong.

By the end of the 1980s, the Garbage Pail Kids lost its popularity and its run stopped after its fifteenth series of cards, terminating the only legal resource for pictures of pus-covered children.

One of the most thorough critiques of Reaganomics to appear during the decade.

‘Reaganomics’ was a term-coined by God Himself as he was dictating the 15 Commandments to Moses.

It wasn’t until Supreme and Divine Leader Ronald Reagan became president of the United States in 1980 that Reaganomics became a reality and not just a divine truth tucked away in scripture. After the destruction wrought on the United States by the in-his-heart adulterous Jimmy Carter, the entire world was ripe and ready for the implementation of a new economic plan.

As if this change was divinely inspired, two months into his first term, President Reagan discovered a series of gold plates in the woods that only he was capable of seeing and reading – with the aid of his trusty stone glasses.

These tablets contained the easily remembered axiomatic truths that became known as Reaganomics, such as:

1. Reduce government spending
2. Reduce income tax rates
3. Reduce governmental regulation of the economy
4. Control the money supply
5. He seemed like a nice man… Why did he try to shoot me?

And of course everyone knows the other thirty-seven points of Reaganomics, so they need not be listed here.

Reaganomics did receive its share of criticism – from artists such as Billie Joel and Boys Don’t Cry – but by the end of Reagan’s second term in 1989, Reaganomics had lifted the United States out of poverty, allowing it to quickly become the world’s most lovable superpower.

Keep up the good work, champs!

Thank you for creating a system that doesn’t know the meaning of the word ‘failure’!

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In 1985, the synth-rockers from the United Kingdom known as Boys Don’t Cry let loose their most politically-charged track to date. Some viewed this as a light-hearted poke at spaghetti westerns, but therein lies its insidiousness. The target of this scathing satirical piece was actually the economic climate of the 1980s, with Reaganomics being the main target.

Shot in sepia tone to capture the bleakness of life under our Glorious Leader, the music video for “I Wanna Be a Cowboy” depicted a desire pulled straight from the collective unconscious to return to the farm.

And for those who didn’t desire such a return, the prospect was becoming more likely with each passing day.

Then our protagonist wakes up and smells the tobacco of his made-in-America cigar. He realizes it was all a dream and that everything is on the up-and-up.

Finish having that bath, then head on over to the dealership and buy that American-made General Motors automobile. And fill it up with as much gasoline as you like at the cheapest prices the world has even seen.

There’s no end in sight, though, so there’s no need to rush. Take your time. You earned it, buckaroo.