In 1985 Ethiopia took the international spotlight and shone it on its bloated bellies.

1984 began with the western world knowing very little about Ethiopia. They knew the basics – that it was in Africa, and full of Africans – but beyond that they surprisingly knew very little about an impoverished nation on the absolute far side of the planet.

And then it stopped raining there.

No rain in Africa, you say? Isn’t the entire continent just an uninhabitable wasteland? Yes. Yes it is.

So a couple of writers sat down with the knowledge that a famine was taking place and did what anyone high on cocaine and awake for 72 hours would do -  wrote a Christmas song. That Christmas song was “Do They Know It’s Christmas?” Enter the largest collection of New Wave artists outside of a San Francisco methadone clinic’s clientele.

And so the renowned scholars Bono and Boy George educated the world on the plight of this African nation – with the emphasis being that they’re hungry, and you’re not.

The song inspired millions to donate, and as they reached for their wallets they saw the many television ads requesting aid – then swiftly put their wallets away.

“What’s this? Large protruding bellies? I thought these children were starving.”

“The best I can do is to tell my children not to waste food – lest they face the guilt of someone in Ethiopia dying from malnourishment as a result.”

I personally adopt an Ethiopian a year – I’ve almost got as many Ethiopians as I have Dale Earnhardt memorial plates.

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The story of the rise, rise higher, penultimate rise, ultimate rise, and slight decline of the hottest duo in the history of straight, red-blooded, good ole country music.

Formed in 1981 in a London saloon which served only straight Whiskey from a shattered beer bottle stump, Wham! is a duo consisting of George Michael and Andrew “Chuck” Ridgeley.

Popular music until 1981 had consisted mainly of overtly-gay disco music and psychedelic music composed by closet homosexuals (Jim Morrison, Robert Plant). The arrival on the scene of Wham! put an end to any homosexual under/overtones in music and brought about a return of the classic boy meets girl / cowboy and his horse music of the 40s and 50s.

Their first hit “Bad Boys” was a stinging criticism of the feminist ideals held by parents for their male children. The lyrics “bad boys stick together … forever … never sad boys” was indicative of George Michaels feeling that he could only rely on his close male friends for support during their nights spent womanizing together– something his parents could not accept.

Their second hit “Young Guns (Go For It!)” was another expression of the need for ‘boys to be boys.’ The lyrics “see me, single and free. No tears, no fears, what I want to be” show that Andrew was enjoying the single life – having many a heterosexual encounter … with women.

“Wham Rap” continued the trend of establishing a strong masculine presence by stating in falsetto that “wham, bam, I am a man.”

Wham!’s most popular song was perhaps “Wake Me Up Before You Go Go.” The song explored the concept of a cowboy whose horse had rode off – a common concept in classic country. The grizzly blues tone of the song reflected the dark emotions attached to a once loyal horse leaving its owner – perhaps the worst situation for a manly cowboy out on the trail to endure.

Though Wham! continues to this day, George Michael has pursued a solo career, and also maintains a strong media presence.

In 1998 George Michael was propositioned in a restroom by a homosexual police officer and arrested for murdering the entire precinct of officers to show them what happens when they mess with a real man. On the incident he had this to say:

"I got followed into the restroom and then this cop — I didn’t know it was a cop, obviously — he started playing this game, which I think is called, ‘I’ll show you mine, you show me yours, and then when you show me yours, I’m going to nick you!"

And then added:

“So I showed him my gay-bashing club – which is a very real device I carry around for this very occasion. Having bludgeoned him to death while smoking a cigar and making love to a woman, I then rode my stallion to the police station where I resumed the act with each and every man in those homosexual police costumes.”

George Michael and Andrew Ridgeley now reside in San Francisco where they live together to save money on rent and make it easier to share their exploits with the many women they bed.